Last Friday, we went to work at the Tribune, and all was fine and dandy, except for one thing: Sparky was missing.
As many of you know, Sparky is the newsroom's mascot, as well as the mascot for the Tribune's softball team. He is a plastic fish that is usually taped to a filing cabinet, and he is also running for mayor; I announced this in a column about a month ago.
When we in the newsroom first noticed Sparky was missing, we were not concerned. We thought that one of our photographers had probably taken Sparky somewhere so he or she could take some mug shots of Sparky, as he planned to write some columns in the near future. But we became concerned when both our photographers told us they had not removed Sparky from his filing cabinet perch.
It is now Tuesday, and Sparky is nowhere to be seen. We are really concerned, to tell the truth. Not only is Sparky missing, but a plastic toy butcher's hatchet that was hanging around the office is also missing.
I am not making any of this up; our plastic fish and a plastic hatchet (which, in the plastic world, could presumably harm a plastic fish, no?) are both gone.
We have determined that someone had to have stolen Sparky, and we fear for him. Our crack investigative reporting staff is on the case, however, and we have come up with several suspects who we believe may be responsible for Sparky's disappearance:
-- Peggy O'Neill: This Sparks business owner is a suspect in Sparky's disappearance because, of course, Sparky is a tough opponent for the political office she covets. Sparky's portability means he is an easy target for kidnapping; she could have just walked in when nobody was looking, stuck Sparky in her purse, and walked off. She could not do this to, for example, Tony Armstrong. Although I must admit I would pay good money to see her try.
Another possible explanation for O'Neill possibly taking Sparky is that she may have mistaken him for something else and walked off with him, not realizing he what he was. After all, O'Neill must have eye problems -- colorblindness at least -- to have chosen that yellow-and-green color scheme for her campaign signs which she has plastered across town.
-- The Reno Gazette-Journal: It is not out of the possibility that the employees of this Gannett newspaper decided to take our beloved mascot in order to get even with us for scooping them. Maybe they felt threatened, or maybe publisher Sue Clark-Johnson was just a little cranky because Harrah's stock dropped a little.
But be warned, RGJ: If we do indeed find out you're responsible for Sparky's disappearance, we may have no choice but to, in turn, steal Cory Farley.
-- Bruce Breslow: It is possible that Bruce was hungry and decided to eat Sparky because he had a hankerin' for trout. After all, Bruce was presumably troutless; he said threw back all those fish he caught at the Helms Sparks Marina Pit in his little fishing trip at the park before it opened.
It is also a possibility that Bruce took the plastic hatchet to knock some sense into Jeff Griffin and the Reno-Sparks Convention and Visitors Authority for moronically deciding to spend oodles of tax money on first-class plane tickets and tickets for spouses on business trips -- a move Breslow appropriately opposed. Maybe he meant to give us a ring and let us know he borrowed the hatchet, but could not call -- because he had to give up his cell phone.
-- The Otters: I swear that I am not making this up -- the first team that the Sparky's Machine softball team will be playing this season is called the Otters. This is just a little too strange of a coincidence.
It is a well-known fact that otters like to eat fish; maybe that team decided to take Sparky in an effort to intimidate us. However, the Otters must realize: We will NOT be intimidated. While otters eat trout, journalists will eat almost anything, including probably otters. I say this based on the fact that, the other day, I actually ate meat-free jerky which another reporter brought in.
I am know there are other suspects that I have not mentioned here. But Sparky's thief or thieves should be warned: Sparky the physical vessel may be gone, but his spirit lives on. He is still our mascot, our softball team's muse and a viable mayoral candidate.
But we would still like him back, seriously. We kind of miss him.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who can not believe that someone would actually steal a plastic fish. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays; he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.