The weather is starting to tick me off something good. Remember about 10 days ago, when temperatures were nearing 70 degrees, and all was right with the world? Birds were singing. Grass was growing. The XFL hadn't yet debuted.
And now, here it is, snowing again, with freezing temperatures and frightening driving conditions. And I won't even talk about the XFL and how Gov. Jesse Ventura is embarrassing the entire state of Minnesota, where -- and I don't think this is a coincidence -- the weather is known for being cold.
And you know what is really steaming my vegetables about the weather? That, after Mother Nature went and got our hopes so high with the nice weather 1 1/2 weeks ago, we can't even complain that it's snowing and frigid again, at least without making ourselves out to be major-league wipes. Why? Because, according to the "hydrologists," we need the snow for our below-average "snowpack," because the area needs "water," because we are "carbon-based life forms" which, if we go without water, will "ugly, thirst-induced deaths."
At least I am not a skier or a snowboarder. Man, life is really conflicted for them right now. Not only do they suffer from the spring vs. not going thirsty dilemma, but they are torn between wanting more snow and wanting nice skiing/boarding weather. I think this is why skiers and boarders, as a species, like to drink large quantities of schnapps.
Whatever. Despite these conflicts, I am going to complain anyway, because that is my God-given right as an official humor columnist.
Two weeks ago, visions of spring hikes and summer concerts and ice cream trucks and tight bodies in swimsuits were dancing in my head. And now, with snow back on my mind, I am instead thinking of the Donner Party, Lawrence Welk reruns, frozen vegetables and Jesse Ventura in a swimsuit. And this is highly unnecessary.
You know, being a life-long Nevadan, you would think that I would be used to manic weather like this. There's an old phrase: If you don't like the weather in Nevada, wait five minutes, cough and turn your head. Or something like that. Anyway, the point is that the weather is always changing, and it rarely makes any sense. This is one of the few places on Earth where it is fairly common for temperatures to dip below zero in the winter and to rise above 100 degrees in the summer. Plus, it's just wacky sometimes. I remember a day once when I was in elementary school when -- this is the honest-to-God truth -- the sky was clear, with nary a cloud to be seen, and yet for some reason, it was snowing.
Or then again, maybe I'd just had too much Yoo-hoo to drink. In any case, the experience left quite an impression on me
But that's not important right now. What is important here is my point: I WANT IT TO BE SPRING. There is softball to play, there are summer concerts to hear, and there are former wrestlers who are current governors who are currently doing "color" commentary for gawdawful football games to avoid. And these are all hard things to do when it's snowing and cold.
And I don't want to hear the excuse, "It's only Feb. 13." That is a LAME excuse. Dammit, if we can get weather in the upper 60s for three days in February, we can get more of it. I demand it!
So there. Mother Nature, it's up to you. Make it so!
(Editor's note: We have just received word that Jimmy's house has been entirely decimated, except for a TV permanently tuned to XFL games, by a simultaneous tornado/lightning bolt/hail storm/plague of locusts. With that, we at the Tribune would like to tell Mother Nature: Ha ha! We were just kidding by running this column critical of you. Hee hee! Please don't smite us. It's all Jimmy's fault. Really! KEEP THE XFL AWAY FROM US! NOOOOOO...)
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who, in all seriousness, has never had a Yoo-Hoo to drink. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.