It's time to answer more reader mail that I have completely made up.
Why do stupid people insist on breeding? It seems to happen all the time, and as a result, more idiotic people are being brought into the world. Can't we do something to stop this? -- Herman Flounderstinken, Sun Valley
That is a great question. The simple answers to your two questions: Stupid people insist on breeding because it's one of the few things they can figure out how to do, and, sadly, there is not much we can do about it.
That is, unless they're behind bars, and then we can do something -- sterilize them. (Note: Please keep in mind this is a humor column, which is meant to elicit laughs; this is not meant to be a public-policy suggestion. If you are taking this seriously, read the paragraph immediately above this one and realize that you are probably one of the people I am talking about.)
Stupid criminals should be sterilized, for the good of the race, to ensure they don't reproduce and create stupid little criminals. And we can all agree that stupid criminals are about as stupid as you can get.
The latest example of stupid criminals -- of the alleged variety, at least -- that I have heard comes as a result of the fire at the Saint Mary's Meadowood Medical Plaza on May 27. The perpetrators of the fire -- which essentially destroyed the medical building -- were caught on videotape, and one of them was wearing a very distinctive (and, I might add, hideous) T-shirt with a Korn (rock band) logo. A still shot of the guy wearing the T-shirt was subsequently printed in newspapers and shown on TV a total of 7,256 times over the last week, and rewards of almost $40,000 (seriously) were offered to the public for information about these two morons.
Well, shortly after authorities found an abandoned vehicle burning in southeast Reno last Saturday, three men were found near by, and after interviews, two were arrested.
What gave investigators an idea that these men may be the ones involved with the Saint Mary's fire? Besides the fact that they were in the area? The words of Reno Fire Marshal Larry Farr, quoted in the Reno Gazette-Journal
"One of the suspects was wearing the shirt from the video. We thought that was a pretty good clue."
Alrightie then. Could someone please get some snips to assure that these two men, if they are indeed found guilty (and it appears to me that prosecutors will have a pretty good case), never reproduce? Especially the guy wearing the T-shirt (apparently his "lucky burnin' things shirt").
Is it possible to neuter someone twice, just to be sure?
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Another made-up letter, although this one is based on a question someone asked me, for reals:
Jimmy, why do you write about beer so much when you also claim that you don't drink (at least very much)? This doesn't make sense. My head hurts. Ow. -- Eric Elpresidentio, Reno
That's a fascinating question, Eric. OK, maybe it's not, but I think we can all at least agree that it's a question.
The reason why I mention beer frequently is that beer, simply put, is funny. Some words, phrases and objects are just amusing. I don't know why, but that's the way it is. Me and my close friend, Dave Barry (OK, maybe he's not my close friend, but at least I talked to him once) agree on this subject.
Funny stuff: Beer, Sam Donaldson, the word "booger" (Dave Barry's favorite) , Jeff Griffin, Bolivia, George Bush and Alfred E. Newman (these are the same), Hyundais (unless you're driving one), anyone named "Merlin," scooters, softball players (myself included), journalists.
Stuff that's not funny: Heroin, Dan Rather (not even funny when he tries to be), actual boogers, the fact that Jeff Griffin is Reno's mayor, Ecuador, Al Gore (although Tipper's freakin' hilarious), Plymouths, anyone named "Pauly Shore," motorcycles, John Rocker (although he qualifies for the above letter's discussion topic), journalists' salaries.
Anyway, I hope this helps answer your question, Eric. See? Beer. Ha ha! Hilarious. Plymouth. Hmm. Not funny.
Well, OK. Maybe Plymouth is a little funny...
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has forgotten what "home" looks like, because he's never there (unless work counts as home). Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboogle@stanfordalumni. org.