Local luminaries square off in 'Truckee Meadows Survivor'


November 13, 2001

Host: Hi, I am Jeff Probst. Welcome to "Rock n' Roll Jeopardy!" Oh, wait! I am wearing khaki shorts, which means I must be doing my other show, "Truckee Meadows Survivor." Anyway, we're down to our final four. Let's meet them. First, we have Ferenc Szony, the president and CEO of the Sands Hotel Casino. What in the hell are you wearing?

Szony: Swim trunks. You like the trunks?

Host: Well, I usually don't wear them on my head like that. Now, go put on some pants. Next up is Erin Breen, former TV journalist and current Reno Gazette-Journal family columnist. How are you doing?

Breen: I am just glad my kids and family are not here to see a pants-less Ferenc Szony. Good lord.

Host: Well put. Our third finalist is Grandma from those goofy Glass Pro commercials. How do you feel about pants-less Ferenc?

Grandma: I say "Ferenc Szony." And what Grandma says, Grandma does.

Host: I am hoping you are senile and don't realize what you just said. Our final contestant is Gov. Kenny Guinn. How do you feel?

Guinn: I feel good, Mr. Pabst, except the display by Mr. Farknik makes me feel protuberated.

Host: OK. That's simply incoherent. We'll now introduce our jury, which consists of the last four people voted off of "Truckee Meadows Survivor." First off, we have Sam Dehne.

Dehne: This is ridiculous. I was robbed! It's film flammery! Proof poofery! Mucky muck!

Host: I am sorry, Sam. You did not phrase that rant in the form of a question.

Dehne: What?

Host: Uh ... sorry, wrong show again. Anyway, our next juror is Steve Katzmann from Reno Toyota. He was voted off when he accidentally pushed Grandma off of a mountain.

Katzmann: Do you blame me? She does look quite a bit like Tom Dolan.

Host: Good point. Third, we have Washoe Valley singing legend Toni Tennille, who was voted off after singing "Muskrat Love" one too many times. How many times did you sing it?

Tennille: Once.

Host: I see. Finally, we have Ira Hansen, who was voted off because he offended everyone with his right-leaning views.

Hansen: I blame John Farahi for this!

Host: I am sure you do. Anyway, our four finalists will vote off one person, leaving three finalists. Ferenc, who do you vote off?

Szony: That Breen woman. She doesn't like the trunks!

Breen: You idiot, it isn't the trunks. I am blinded by your pasty whiteness!

Host: Well, we'll count that as a vote by Erin against Ferenc. Grandma, how about you?

Grandma: I am voting off Ferenc. I just got done "fixing his windshield," so I have no use for him anymore!

Szony: Grandma! How could you? I thought we were "forging an alliance!"

Host: Stop putting phrases in quote marks to make them seem like sexual euphemisms! OK, Kenny, who do you vote for?

Guinn: In as much as I have discussed the decision in my head with myself, I have no choice but to vote for Breen, because I can't pronounce that trunk dude's name. Plus, he runs a casino, and they make tributaries to me. And Grandma's kind of growering on me.

Host: That's two votes each for Breen and Szony. To speed things up, I say we get rid of them both, and let's move onto Final Jeopardy!

Dehne: Probst, you are an idiot, full of hooey! You got the wrong show again. I ought to file an ethics complaint!

Host: Whatever. OK, the finalists are Kenny and Grandma. We shall now vote. Sam, who will you vote for?

Dehne: The governor. He is full of flapdoodle.

Host: Fair enough. Steve, How about you?

Katzmann: Grandma's gotta go. I had a dream at my desk. I was playing football, then I started thinking about Grandma, and it made me drool all over myself. I can't handle the sexual tension.

Host: Good grief, man, get help. We shall now move on to Ira Hansen. Who did you vote for?

Hansen: Grandma. I think she's really a liberal homosexual, because no God-fearing Republican would be caught "fixing" Szony's "windshield."

Host: That makes no sense, Ira.

Hansen: Have you ever known me to make sense?

Host: Good point. Toni, how will you vote?

Tennille: I am voting against the governor. He voted against me once. I told him, "Do that to me one more time, and I'll stick a muskrat up your love hole." But he voted against me again, and I hate to say it, but love can no longer keep us together.

Host: Well put. That's two votes each for Kenny and Grandma. Erin, who will you vote off?

Breen: Well, I now write for the Gazette-Journal now, and we always support incumbents. Therefore, I have to vote off Grandma in support of Kenny.

Host: And that leaves Ferenc Szony, who is now wearing a robe that, I hate to say it, is open in the front. Who are you voting for?

Szony: Well, I used to like Grandma, but I am voting her off for "breaking our alliance." And now, I think the governor is No. 1. See?

Host: Close that ROBE! Anyway, governor, you've won "Truckee Meadows Survivor." Congratulations!

Guinn: Wow, I have not been this ecstaticable since the casinos bought me this last erection!

Host: You mean election.

Guinn: Sorry, I was looking at Farknik.

Host: On that note, I need to run. Grandma just said my name, and what Grandma says, Grandma does. Until next time!

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who prefers to watch "Friends" these days. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org. 1