Warning: This column contains references to topics including sex and male organs and all sorts of whatnot that may be offensive to some sensitive readers, including many Republicans. It also contains serious raving by the columnist, who clearly needs the dosage of his medications adjusted. Thank you, and have a great day.
WHAT in the WORLD is WRONG with PEOPLE?
I was sitting there minding my own business the other day watching Major League Baseball when a commercial came on that was, to say the least, loony. You may have seen it; it's about some putz named Bob or something.
Anyway, Bob is going around his office smiling like a rabid cheerleader on amphetamines, and his co-workers are looking at him as if he were Charles Manson carrying a pick ax. Meanwhile, there is Mayberryesque whistling music playing, and the narrator warbles about how Bob is "much happier" than he used to be. Then, Bob goes home, where his wife is smiling like she IS one of the rabid cheerleaders on amphetamines. All of this lunatic smiling, the narrator explains, is because of the "natural male enhancement" that Bob received as the result of some non-prescription stuff called Enzyte.
What in the world does "natural male enhancement" mean? This could mean several different things, but the commercial strongly implied that it had something to do with Bob making his wife extremely happy. So I figured that it must mean that Enzyte is a pill that makes Bob take out the trash when his wife tells him to.
Nope. I was wrong. I went to the Web site, www.enzyte.com, which was promoted on the commercial along with a phone number. There, I found some of the most stunning prose that I've ever set my eyes on. Here is the first paragraph on the Enzyte home page:
"If you ever wondered if your sexual performance could be improved by an increase in erection size, you are not alone. In fact, many men worry that a lack of physical size or sexual potency is prohibitive to a successful love life."
Oh. My. Lord.
Well, now we know what "natural male enhancement" means. While I won't go into details, it turns out Enzyte is a pill that expands, well, one's "manhood" by increasing the blood there and stretching things out.
After reading this, and checking to make sure nobody else was reading over my shoulder (I didn't want to give anyone the impression that I needed "natural male enhancement," if you know what I mean), I perused the Enzyte site a bit more closely. Here are some more festive quotes from the site, along with some parenthetical observations:
-- "One of the most common misconceptions about the penis is that it is a muscle. If that were so, you could increase penis size through exercise." (How would someone "exercise" this muscle, exactly? Weights? Squat thrusts?)
-- "Enzyte may not work for everyone. ... If you experience unwanted side effects, such as prolonged erections or abnormal erection growth, consult a physician before continuing product use." ("Abnormal erection growth?" Again, what does this mean? An explosion?)
-- "Mike is 27 and single. His career with a Fortune 500 company is finally starting to take off. ... He has always been relatively happy with his own size, but secretly wondered if a slight enhancement would increase his popularity with women." (Again, what does this mean? Wouldn't a dude either have to be doing REALLY WELL with a woman before she would even notice dude's "enhanced" manhood? Or is there more to this story? Is Mike a flasher in his spare time?)
I could go on, but I won't. I am just scared to death that this drug could go the route of Viagra. You remember what happened with that stuff. Three words: Bob Dole commercials. I am freaking out at the possibility of some other person we don't want to imagine having sex ever signing up for Enzyte commercials. The possibilities are just hideous, considering that Jesse Helms is going to be out of work soon.
Anyway, this is just moronic. Who cares about a pill that could increase erection size ... let me look here ... by an average of 24 percent?
Wow. 24 percent. That's an awful lot. Um ... what's that phone number again?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is stunned that he lives in a world where diseases are rarely cured, yet "natural male enhancement" pills are readily developed. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, usually, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.