WANTED: Senatorial candidate. Must be a Democrat, preferably with oodles of money. Experience owning a law firm and hosting an awful talk show a plus. Wanted to take on Republican who has been running for the U.S. Senate for three years already, who has oodles of money. Ethics and honesty unnecessary; they did not work for the last woman who was our candidate. However, kissing up to casinos and unions is an absolute must! Please apply soon to: Nevada Democratic Party, c/o Sen. Harry Reid. After all, there are only 13 months until the election!
NEEDED: Some women and non-middle-aged men for City Council of medium-sized Nevada city. The Sparks City Council needs you, unless you're a 40-ish or 50-ish man, because that is all we consist of right now. Please apply in two years during the next election.
HELP WANTED: Employees for large downtown Reno theater. Customer service skills probably unnecessary, because we aren't expecting any customers. Water-bailing skills absolutely necessary, as we are located right on a river which is known for flooding fairly regularly. Views of the beautiful river are available -- that is if you go outside. Please be willing to walk to work, because little parking is available. Contact Regal Theaters for more information.
NEEDED: Some democratic candidates for City Council for big little Nevada city. The Reno City Council needs you to run as a Democrat and then switch to a Republican after elected. Must be willing to alienate constituents and upset party officials who helped you get elected. Please apply in two years during the next election. Questions? Call Sherrie Doyle, Reno City Councilwoman.
HELP WANTED: Person with very, very large shovel to work as Elephant Waste Monitor. Large Sparks casino has two elephants that put out large amounts of elephant waste, occasionally as they walk down Victorian Avenue. All applicants are urged not too follow the elephants too closely. Please apply to John Ascuaga's Nugget ASAP.
PERSONALS: Top Nevada industry is seeking bedfellows. Potential partners must be willing to have not-so-discreet encounters with dominant, controlling gaming partners. In exchange, you will get campaign contributions, powerful government positions, and free meals with Harvey Whittemore. Men and Republicans preferred, but we're willing to experiment with women and Democrats if you're game.
WANTED: Reporters for large daily Reno newspaper, chain-owned. Must not write badly about downtown redevelopment, Charles McNeely, or especially Harrah's Entertainment Co., because then our publisher would be angry. Must be willing to take the extra step to earn profits for our company, even if the news coverage suffers. Apply to: Reno Gazoo-Urinal, big-ass building, off Kuenzli Street in Reno.
SEEKING: Counselor to resolve differences. Murder suspect and defense lawyers are suffering through a strained relationship and can't come to terms about what their defense strategy will be. The counselor is needed ASAP, as the trial is supposed to start in less than a week. Please contact Siaosi Vanisi or the Washoe County Public Defender's Office.
WANTED: A good excuse to tear down the Mapes Hotel-Casino. We're stuck, because we have three legitimate proposals on the table to save it, and we need an excuse to blow the damn thing up anyway. It's what we've wanted to do all along. Some of us even want to blow it up on New Year's Eve, so it will make a big loud bang, and really hurt the feelings of all those who have fought so long to save it. We want to stick it to those people especially! Who needs history? Please send excuses to: Reno City Council, c/o Jeff Griffin. Also, please send with a $100000 check to make sure the excuses are legitimate -- even though we probably won't end up using them anyway.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who seriously tried to work more Sparks items into this column, but couldn't think of any because Sparks isn't all that messed up. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.