Well, folks, it's an election year. Again.
Doesn't it seem like every year is an election year these days? I actually don't know how elected officials get things done, because it seems like they are always campaigning and raising money. I have no idea when they actually have time to do public-official things, like making laws and meeting with foreign dignitaries and raising taxes and ticking off the voting public.
But this year is special, in a sense, because it is a presidential election year. Contrary to some beliefs, presidential campaigns are not continuous; they actually stop for a few months after inauguration. This is when presidents have an opportunity to do important things for the country, like puking on foreign heads of state or diddling interns.
Anyway, the 2000 presidential campaign is in full swing now. And, boy, do we have a fascinating group of men to consider as our next president:
Bill Bradley--If he's elected, America will have at least one boast: Our president can dunk over your president (or head of state).
By running for president, Bradley's made at least one significant accomplishment: He's made Al Gore look like he has a personality. Choosing between Gore and Bradley is like choosing between watching paint dry and watching grass grow. But, hey, Bradley has Michael Jordan on his side. I like Mike, but I don't know whether to trust him or not when it comes to his presidential endorsements. After all, M.J. isn't perfect; remember his baseball career?
Pat Buchanan--Good lord. This guy is so nuts, that Jesse Ventura--who was goofy enough to tell a national publication he wanted to be reincarnated as a enormous bra--is trying to distance himself from him.
Buchanan recently made headlines by defending certain aspects of Hitler, like claiming Adolf wasn't a threat to America. I guess it doesn't matter that he was threatening the rest of Europe, a chunk of Asia, some of Africa and a good portion of his own citizens.
Buchanan is a unique candidate in the sense that he wants to go to the White House specifically so he can have more "lebensraum."
George W. Bush--George W. Bush has no common sense whatsoever. And I am not talking about his inability to name the current leaders of certain countries (probably including America).
No, I am talking about his refusal to fess up to snorting some cocaine in his younger days. If Bush comes out and says, "Yeah, I snorted some coke, but that was a long time ago and I know it was wrong," it's not an issue. But by fudging the issue, it gives the public one of two impressions: either George W. is fond of skirting the truth, or he's fried too many brain cells to remember.
Neither of these impressions makes me want to vote for him.
Al Gore--It's fairly common for people to mock Al Gore because he is wooden and has the charisma of a totem pole. But I will not lower myself to that level; I am going to mock him for a completely different reason.
I think Gore's jealous that he hasn't received the attention that his predecessor--Dan Quayle--did. Therefore, he is resorting to making an utter fool of himself, ala Dan Quayle, by saying moronic things. For example, he claimed he helped invent the Internet.
And I helped invent the newspaper.
But if Gore did get elected, it would mean one wonderful thing: We'd have a first lady named Tipper. And that is a humor columnist's dream come true.
Alan Keyes--Seeing as I have as much of a chance of being elected president, we'll just move on.
John McCain--Of all the candidates, John McCain is the one I am having the hardest time making fun of. After all, he's a war hero, and by most accounts, a pretty good guy.
But he's not squeaky-clean, either. He's flip-flopped on a number of issues, especially involving guns. He has also pulled some weird campaign stunts, such as throwing negative campaign ads at Bush, and then after they've done their intended damage, "kindly" offering to pull them off the air. That's not exactly presidential-caliber behavior, eh?
Actually, considering what we've had lately, maybe it is.
After looking at all of these candidates, I am baffled about who to support. Who to vote for? Hmm...
Hey, wait a minute. Didn't Dave Barry say he was running?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who encourages people to vote, even if many of the candidates for office are massive goobers. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.