Well, it is finally over.
On Friday -- ironically, on the birthday of Abraham Lincoln, the first great Republican president -- the modern Republican party had one of its lowest moments ever when the Senate voted to acquit President William Jefferson Airplane Raspyboy Clinton of charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.
This left me wondering: What the heck is the media going to cover now?
Thank God I work for the Daily Sparks Tribune, where I don't have to cover anything to do with Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton (unless they are caught by the Sparks Police Department at the Helms Sparks Marina Pit engaging in horrid extracurricular activities involving cigars). Granted, some of us columnists have chosen to write on the subject occasionally, but none of us (to my knowledge) has harped on it like the rest of the planet.
Outside of the Tribune, it has been impossible to escape news coverage of the whole issue. All of the regular networks, plus CNN, MSNBC, CNBC, Fox News and C-SPAN have covered every aspect of the scandal. (My God, I swear if I hear Geraldo Rivera use the word "Lewinskygate" again, I will personally fly to New York or Los Angeles or wherever he is and rip that stupid mustache off of his face.) Newspapers and magazines, too, have been giving extensive coverage to the issue, too. It freaks me out that Monica Lewinsky and Ken Starr now appear on as many magazine covers as Princess Diana ever did.
Plus, news sources have not been the only places where the impeachment coverage has run amok; sitcoms and other shows have also taken up the issue. Television guides have looked ridiculous lately with all the mention of the Clinton/Lewinsky matter:
8 p.m., NBC, Friends: Chandler breaks up with his girlfriend, Monica, after he screams "Lewinsky me!" during sex.
8:30 p.m., ABC, The Drew Carey Show: Mimi is arrested after she tries to give Monica Lewinsky some make-up tips.
9 p.m., Fox, The X-Files: Mulder and Scully investigate a high-level cover-up involving the president and an intern and an alien plot to take over the world. Ken Starr guests.
10 p.m., NBC, ER: Doctors have to perform emergency surgery to remove one of Hillary's boots from Bill Clinton's rear end.
So, with the scandal finally over, what will the media cover? Let's face it, there are numerous problems and issues facing the United States that the media should probably cover. For example, what is the state of the country heading into the new millennium? Will the Y2K computer glitch hurt the economy? What can we do to save Social Security? What steps can the United States take to improve its education system, which is falling behind? What, if anything, can the government do to get rid of that damn Taco Bell Chihuahua?
Will the media shift its focus more on these issues? I have four words: Ha ha! Get real!
As much as some people would like the impeachment specter to go away, it will not; there is plenty of milking left to do. Media analysts will ramble on how the scandal will effect Hillary's possible senatorial candidacy or Al Gore's presidential candidacy or Henry Hyde's reputation as a wild playboy or the sales of cigars near the Capitol.
Also, we must not forget the inevitable media frenzy that will come when Monica Lewinsky sits down with Barbara Walters for that long-awaited interview. There will be in-depth coverage, I am sure, of how many times Lewinsky cries; how often she refers to the president as a "creep"; and what exactly it means when she answers Walters' "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?" question by saying, "a tobacco bush."
No, my friends, I fear we have a way to go with this whole stupid scandal. Kind of makes you want to actively hope the Y2K bug zaps the media, doesn't it?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is currently negotiating with his boss to get that time off to go after Geraldo. His (Jimmy's, not Geraldo's) column appears here Tuesdays; he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.