Phone book covers worse than those Laub & Laub ads


January 16, 2001

Did you know that this is National Made-Up Letters week? Of course you didn't, because there is no such thing, silly. And in honor of this week, here are some made up letters from readers.

I read in one of them fancy newspapers that you went and got yerself a tattoo. My question is this: Why did they call that short dude on "Fantasy Island" tattoo? --Earl Winkwhacker, Sparks

That's a great question, and I am glad you asked it. At least, that's what my editor wants me to tell you. In reality, it's a stupid question, so stupid that I am disturbed that I, myself, made it up.

Anyway, I have no idea why the late Herve Villechaize's character was named Tattoo. If I did know the answer to that question, I would immediately have my brain donated to medical science, because there is no damn reason for anybody like me to have that bit of knowledge.

However, I will tell you that it is interesting going through life having a 3-inch tall, full-color likeness of Bill the Cat (from the Bloom County comic strip) permanently emblazoned on my arm. For one thing, on more than one occasion, I have seen the tattoo out of the corner of my eye whilst wandering around shirtless, and scared myself. (The sight of the tattoo out of the corner of my eye scared me, not the fact that I was shirtless.) When one lives his entire life with nothing but whiteboy skin on one's arm, and then suddenly has a large orange thing there, it can be startling.

"AAAAAAAHHHHH! There's a giant, skinny orange tarantula on me!" WHACK WHACK WHACK WHACK. "Oops."

But I digress.

Yo, Jimmy, the Laub & Laub ad on the back cover of the phone book alarms me for reasons I don't understand. I just feel that, at any moment, Joe and/or Melvin Laub are going to leap off the book and start licking me. What does this mean? Has there ever been a more alarming image on a phone book cover? --Sally Skankmeister, Reno

In answer to your questions:

1. Good God, woman, get some help pronto.

2. Yes, there has.

I will now present to you and honest-to-God real news item from The Associated Press, as printed on CNN.com:

NASSAU, Bahamas (AP) -- Telephone workers in the Bahamas on Tuesday used black markers to cross out the address of a pornographic Web site mistakenly printed on more than 175,000 new telephone directories, after a mass recall advertised on the radio.

Workers with the government-owned telephone utility Batelco crossed out the web address and then handed the directories back to customers waiting in line outside phone offices. Batelco did not say how many responded to the recall.

"This makes no sense," said 28-year-old Veronica Evans as she waited to receive her year 2001 phone directory for the second time. "It didn't make sense recalling them. We all know about the site."

The guides were recalled last week after customers complained a web address that formed part of the cover's design led to a hard-core pornographic site. Batelco has promised an investigation to determine who approved the cover's design.

"The corporation is continuing its investigation and will leave no stone unturned," said Batelco President Michael Symonette.

This startling story is so unsettling to me that I now have images in my head of Batelco President Michael Symonette licking me.

Good God, man, I need to get help pronto!

Am I the only person who has to repress violent impulses after seeing those idiotic Mazda commercials, for the 9,257th time, with the kid that whispers, "zoom zoom," or are there others out there suffering similarly? --Mona Snonkerhoof, Verdi

No, Mona, I can assure you that you are not the only person out there with such violent impulses. However, you can take some solace in the fact that the kid says, "zoom, zoom" instead of "lick, lick," or even more alarming, "Da plane, Da plane!"

That's enough advice for now. I need medication. Thank you, and good night.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who, upon re-reading this column, has no idea where in the hell any of this came from. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com. Zoom zoom! 1