So it got a little toasty in the Truckee Meadows last week, did it? That's what I heard. Last week, anytime I talked to a friend who resides up there, this is what the conversation was like:
Me: Hi, how's it going?
Friend: Ohmigawd! It is soooooooooo hot. My dog's tongue just fell off on account of too much panting, my car's tires melted and I gave off so much sweat in bed that I woke up and thought that I had experienced bladder failure. I don't want to go outside because I fear spontaneous combustion. Oh, it's HORRIBLE!
Me: Really? That's GREAT! Neener neener!
Friend: You suck, Jimmy.
You see, I was not sympathetic because I live in Las Vegas, which because of poor civic planning, was put in the middle of the Mojave Desert. Of course, being from Reno, I am not used to the scorching hot temperatures of this idiot desert, and therefore I've spent much of the last six weeks sniveling to my friends that it's HOT DAMN IT! Being the friends they are, they have responded to my whining in one of two ways:
1. They feigned sympathy, but didn't mean it, because my friends are sarcastic dweebs. "Oh, you POOR BABY!" they said. Bastards.
2. They made some smart-ass remark like: "Well, what did you expect, dipstick? YOU'RE the one that moved to Las Vegas." While this group of friends has a point, that doesn't mean I have to like it.
Therefore, when the tables were turned last week, I savored the moment. I especially enjoyed last Thursday, when, according to the National Weather Service Web site, it got up to 108 in Reno -- and only 106 here in Vegas.
Ha ha ha ha HA! HA! It got hotter in Reno than in Ve-gas! Neener neener NEE-NER!
Of course, this didn't last for long. By Sunday, July 13, things were back to normal. The high in Reno that day was 97, while it was a highly unnecessary 113 here.
So, my neener neenering is over, for the most part. But in an effort to rub in the fact that all my friends are massive wusses, I did some research to show that even though it was two degrees hotter in Reno for that one day, it still sucks more in Vegas:
-- While the July 11 high was 108 in Reno and 106 in Vegas, at least the Truckee Meadows got some sort of break at night. The low that day was 66; but here, in Vegas, the low was 89. You know how messed up it is to go for a midnight stroll when it's still in the mid-90s? NO YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU ARE IN RENO.
-- The average temp in Reno that day was 87. Here, it was 98. That means that it was hotter in Reno than Vegas for a few hours, at most. You whiners!
-- According to Weather.com (The Weather Channel Web site), the record high in Reno before all this happened was 105 (104 in the month of July). The record high here was 116. Yeah, 108 is warm, but Vegas has gotten hotter than that about half of the days this month.
-- The record low for any day in recorded history in Las Vegas in July is 60. The AVERAGE low in Reno in July is 51.3 degrees. That's right. RENO'S AVERAGE JULY LOW IS WAY COLDER THAN VEGAS' RECORD JULY LOW.
Now, before the Tribune is deluged with letters from angry people pointing out that 108-degree heat is expected in Las Vegas but not Reno, and therefore it IS a bigger deal in Reno, let me say: I agree. But all my friends are still wussy whiners. After all, at least one or twice every summer, it gets above 100 in Reno. Thus, you can't complain too much, because the 108-degree days were only several degrees hotter than it normally gets on occasion anyway.
But for now, the complaining by my Reno friends is over. And I can deal with that; I'll pick up the slack. And as I ponder all this, I can't help but wonder: Why do I have such whiners as friends, anyway?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who thanks God each and every day for the wonderful blessing that is air conditioning. He also realizes that his column showed hypocrisy by criticizing his friends for being whiners when he, himself, is a whiner. It's a joke. So neener neener. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.