I know this is usually a humor column (allegedly), but today I are going to announce a big political scoop in this space: The mayoral candidacy of Sparky the Tribune Trout, this newspaper's lovable, plastic mascot.
I know this candidacy comes as a shock to some. Yeah, he does not have that babe-magnet mustache like Tony Armstrong. And we admit that he does not have his own name-bearing business like Peggy O'Neill, nor does he have the incredibly annoying television commercial for said business with his name splashed across the screen. Also, yeah, we must admit that unlike the rest of the candidates, Sparky is not even technically alive -- he is a plastic trout taped to a filing cabinet.
But despite these shortcomings, I am going on the record to endorse Sparky as the perfect being to replace Bruce Breslow as Sparks mayor. After all, Sparky has numerous traits -- being a plastic fish -- that make him the perfect candidate to become the next mayor of the Rail City:
--With Sparky, you do not have to worry about cell phone overuse. After all, Sparky is a fish -- and therefore has no fingers to dial a cell phone. And we really are not sure where his ears are to listen, either. If Sparky is elected, David Farside would have nothing to complain about. Sparky would bring peace and quiet!
--Sparky can get to the bottom of the Helms Pit controversy -- literally. Mayoral candidate Doug Wallace recently made headlines when he came out against the development of the Helms Sparks Marina Pit project, saying that Interstate 80 and the Western Village hotel-casino could fall in the pit in the event of a major earthquake. Well, being a fish, Sparky could get to the bottom of the marina and check out the pit's stability for himself. That is, if Bruce Breslow doesn't sneak in and catch him.
--Sparky supports continued redevelopment -- especially where water is involved. Sparky, ever since he arrived at the Tribune, has strongly supported the redevelopment project. He has especially pushed for the development of the Marina Park and the water-spurting fountain on Victorian Square, because they give him a place to play, too.
--Sparky is a strong supporter of animal control. Sparky thinks it is important that the pets of Sparks have freedom (after all, he is an animal, too), but he also believes that animals should be watched. After all, he does not want to see the headline "CAT EATS MAYOR" in the Tribune one day.
--If you ever need to speak to Sparky, you know where to find him. Sparky, being without legs and a working nervous system, remains taped to one of our newsroom's filing cabinets almost constantly. Yes, we will let him out to go to city council meetings and special events (Sparky, as strange as it sounds, loves ribs and enjoys breaking out a poodle skirt for Hot August Nights). But for the most part, he'll stay at his filing cabinet. That way, if you ever have a concern, just come on in and talk to him; he'll be there! And we think Sparky is a good listener, too (but we're not sure, because we're still looking for his damn ears).
--Sparky can cheaply attend events around the world. Think of what being a plastic fish can do to promote the city. Currently, if the human mayor wanted to travel somewhere to represent Sparks, he'd have to get a hotel room and fly on an airplane and get fed -- and that all costs money. But Sparky can just be dropped in the mail and then mailed back when the event is over. (We just have to make sure someone reliable can return him ... and hope that he never gets lost in the mail).
--No sex scandals to worry about with Sparky. While Bruce Breslow has managed to stay away from sex scandals in his tenure as mayor -- and I think we can all thank our lucky stars for that -- other government leaders in the United States have not been so fortunate. Well, with Sparky, there will be no worries about sex scandals. Because he is, again, a plastic fish! With no genitals! Also, it should be noted, he dislikes cigars and has no need for interns. Plus, there are no sex scandals in his past for Larry Flynt to dig up.
Therefore, I strongly encourage all of you, when you go to the polls soon, to put Sparks on the map and elect Sparky the Tribune Trout as mayor.
And trust me. Electing a plastic fish as mayor will put Sparks on the map, big-time.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, thanks Becky Aleshire and the Sierra Nevada Girl Scout Council for the cookies and the sense of humor. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays; he (and Sparky, too) can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.