Last week, I wrote about the need for an Orwellian, Big Brother-like surveillance system to record everything that happens in public so that I could see all the funny happenings that I am unable to witness in person. I still feel this is a good idea.
For example, that system would have allowed me to see the following freaking hilarious incident happen, which is freaking hilarious because, and ONLY because, this turned out OK and nobody was hurt. Here is an account from The Associated Press:
DALLAS, Texas (AP) -- A baggage handler at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport was accidentally locked in the pressurized cargo hold of a Boeing 727 and taken on an unplanned trip to Mexico.
The Dallas Morning News says the man knocked on the plane's walls, but he wasn't found until the jet landed in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
The crew reported hearing a knocking sound, but checked the plane, determined it was fine -- and took off as scheduled.
The man works for a private contractor, Servisair. He was loading luggage for the charter carrier Champion Air of Bloomington, Minnesota.
A Champion Air spokeswoman says the flight wasn't exactly comfortable for the man, but the area was pressurized -- and he's fine.
The airline is investigating.
Man: Hi, honey.
Woman: WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? WHERE ARE YOU?
Man: Well, um, I am in Puerto Vallarta
Woman: WHAT?!?
Man: I was locked in the cargo hold of a plane, and my trip wasn't exactly comfortable
Woman: You expect ME to believe THAT?
I also want to know what in the hell the plane's crew was thinking when they heard the knocking but still decided that everything was okie-dokie and took off. Is it common knocking noises to emanate from cargo holds of Boeing 727s? If so, why? Are these planes haunted? Or has the airline food that is stored there coming to life? Is there some sort of midget-smuggling operation that airline crews are "looking the other way" from?
I mean, good LORD!
I wish this incident were on tape. However, let me make it clear that only incidents occurring in public should be taped or recorded. Goings-on in private places, such as locker rooms, should be kept private. God forbid a tape of a sumo-wrestling locker room be released. Ick.
But that's NOT what is necessarily happening. Here is another news report, this time from ESPN.com:
Mariners outfielder Ichiro Suzuki sometimes does not dress near his locker because he is fearful of a rumor that a Japanese publication has offered a $1 million reward for a photo of him naked, according to a Tacoma News Tribune report.
"We've heard about it," said Ted Heid, the Mariners' director of Pacific Rim scouting. "We've heard that it might even be as high as $2 million."
Ichiro said: "I don't understand it."
...[W]henever there is a large presence of Japanese media in the clubhouse, which is often, Ichiro dresses somewhere other than his locker.
This insane quest leads to some questions as well. Why is it worth so much dough to get a picture of Ichiro -- that's the cool thing now, to simply refer to him by his first name -- sans clothing? Baseball pants are tight to begin with, so is there really much else to see without them? Or does Ichiro also keep a midget in his cargo hold, if you catch my drift?
And if you DO get my drift, please fill me in, because I have no idea what that means.
Anyway, what is this world coming to? Arches are being abused by errant footballs. Baggage handlers are getting unplanned trips to tropical destinations. Boeing 727 crews are smuggling midgets. And Japanese media sources are offering rewards for naked pictures of Seattle Mariners who are fortunately not named John Olerud.
All I can say is this: I hope Ichiro doesn't try to change in the cargo hold of a Boeing 727. Because, hey, the midgets may have cameras.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who asks you to go back and read that last sentence -- and then ponder the fact that, in the right context, it makes complete and total sense. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.