It's Dec. 17, which means that Christmas is just eight days away. This means that I should probably answer some of my made-up reader mail, just to make sure I get put on Santa's "nice" list instead of his "naughty" list.
Of course, the fact that I am answering imaginary letters from imaginary readers means I'll probably get put on his "lunatic" list.
In any case, on to the fake letters:
I was sitting on my porch Sunday when half of Sparks' Christmas tree blew by and slammed into my 1974 Pinto. Should I sue the Sparks City Council for damages? -- Joe Jingleheimer, Sparks
That's an excellent question, Joe. I think that you should take this matter up at the next Sparks City Council during public comment, in a loud and vocal matter. If you're unsure how to do this, call up Sam Dehne at 1-800-Whackadoo. I am sure that this will cause the Sparks City Council to take swift action. You may even get a free trip to the Nevada Mental Health Institute out of the deal. They serve lots of Jello there and offer an impressive supply of white jackets. Kewl beans!
I was in my kitchen slicing beets on Saturday when my power went out. I accidentally cut off three of my fingers. Will this hinder my career as a massage therapist? -- Shirley Skankheimen, Mustang
What in the heck are you doing eating beets, anyway? Those are disgusting little things that grow underground. And they're ... PURPLE. Any food that is naturally purple is, by its nature, disgusting. It's Mother Nature's way of saying, "DON'T EAT THIS, YOU CRETIN." Eggplants, beets, prime rib from Barney the Dinosaur -- all disgusting.
And as for your career, it depends what kind of a massage therapist that you are. If you are a legitimate massage therapist, I'd be concerned. If you're the kind of massage therapist that advertises in the back of weekly newspapers, congratulations -- you can now tap into the amputee fetish market.
The amputee fetish market? -- Sparks Tribune management, 1002 "C" St.
Don't ask. I am sorry I went there.
Reno area residents overwhelmingly vote Republicans into office, and then six months later, Reno is smitten with a hellacious windstorm. Are these two events related? -- Herbert Honkey, Verdi
No. In no way are these two events related. After all, Trent Lott's been around for a long time, and Mississippi hasn't been destroyed completely.
However, the defeat of Question 9 -- which would have legalized marijuana -- and the harsh windstorm may be related. After all, God made marijuana. And he didn't make it purple. 'Nuff said.
Are you implying that God is in favor of marijuana use? -- Sparks Tribune management, 1002 "C" St.
No. Heck no. That would be silly. I am not a fan of marijuana. I have, in all seriousness, never tried the stuff.
But considering the fact that God did create things like the duckbilled platypus, seahorses and Carrot Top, you have to wonder sometimes.
So I was sitting there on Saturday when the wind blew my dog Toto and me away. All of a sudden we were on this path with a guy with no brain, this guy with no heart and this guy with no courage. What does this mean? -- Dorothy, Reno
I will refrain from making the obvious Reno City Council train trench joke here and move on.
On Sunday morning, after that windstorm, I went out to my barn and found that a battered sign had been tossed up against it. The sign said, "The Biggest Little City in the World." Is this a sign from God? Should I sell the alfalfa ranch and the cows and the horsies and build a big little city here instead? -- Morty Mirkmaster, Mogul
Yes. Do it now. Build it now, Morty, and fast! Before Christmas, if you can! God is waiting for you to build Mortyville!
That way, I'll have company on Santa's lunatic list.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who was Christmas shopping at a Vegas-area mall during Sparks-Reno's windstorm on Saturday. He's not sure which location experienced more chaos. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.