The United States is currently has a monthly trade deficit of about $20 billion, or roughly the amount of money John Ensign has received in campaign contributions.
This means that we consumption-frenzied Americans are importing $20 billion in goods into the country per month more than we are exporting. I think this is surprising, considering all the things we have in this country that we don't need.
After some serious consideration (during the commercial breaks on "Monday Night Football"), I came up with this list of things I'd like to see us export elsewhere, in order to get that trade deficit down a little. I think you'll agree that this is a great list, possibly worthy of consideration for the Nobel Prize in economics, if there is such a thing. Please, hold your applause until the end.
1. 7-11 convenience stores. The other day, I noticed that a Tesoro gas station/convenience store near where I live in northwest Reno (otherwise known as east Mogul) was in the process of becoming a 7-11.
This store, near the intersection of McCarran Boulevard and Sierra Highlands Drive, happens to have 7-11 stores within walking distance on both sides of it along McCarran: on Summit Ridge Drive just to the south, and on Seventh Street to the north.
Because I am apparently in serious need of a life, I decided to drive to each of these three 7-11 stores, and I discovered that from the Seventh Street one to the Sierra Highlands one to the Summit Ridge one, it is a total of 1.5 miles. I am not making this up.
My question: Do we need 7-11 stores every half-mile? Are Slurpees in such demand? And why would anyone buy anything else but Slurpees and gas from these 7-11 stores, especially considering there is, in the vicinity, a ShopKo, an Albertson's, a Sav-On Drugs, a Safeway and every fast-food chain on the planet?
I say we export one, maybe two of these 7-11 stores to another country in need of Slurpees, gas and hot dogs that have been sitting around since the Reagan administration. I don't think anyone will miss them.
2. Small, annoying dogs. Now, before I get a ton of letters accusing me of being in the same category as Cruella De Vil when it comes to animal rights, let me make it clear that I love animals, including many small dogs. Truth be told, I like most small dogs -- the ones that are kind and loving and like to play and aren't too loud.
However, there are other small dogs that are annoying and should go away, lest I give in to my overwhelming urges to punt them. You know what kind of dogs I'm talking about: The kinds that have egos and annoying little "yip yip yip" barks, who like biting ankles and mounting dogs 17 times their size, and who have problems controlling their urinary outputs. These dogs seemingly have a need to overcompensate for their small stature by being over-bearing, kind of like Chris Ault.
Let's send these piddling pooches elsewhere, to a place that does not have such an abundant supply of yapping little canines. Will the country that gets these exported dogs like them? No, but I think it's only fair for some other country to have to put up with these mutts like we do.
3. Apostrophes. Maybe it's the writer/editor in me, but it seems like the en vogue thing to do these days is put apostrophes in places they don't belong, and it's driving me batty.
I was in Albertson's the other day, and I saw a sign heralding the incredible sale they had on "STEAK'S." I drove by a house recently that had a sign saying that the family living there was "The Smith's."
No, people. You use an apostrophe to show possession ("John Ensign's hair looks nice") or to show that letters are missing out of a word ("Journalists are, as a whole, po' folks"). Unless there were "STEAKIES" on sale or the house sign was supposed to read "The Smith's methamphetamine lab," these signs were wrong.
Let's take these apostrophes away from the grammatically deficient and give them to a needy country.
I realize this list is just a start toward whittling down that $20 billion trade deficit. But it's a start.
Anyway, I'm going to go and get me a Slurpee. Happy Tuesday!
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is going to try to get the Tribune to reimburse him for the 1.5 miles of mileage he racked up during the researching of this column. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.