It's Sept. 17, 2002, which means there are only 98 shopping days left until Christmas. Because of this starting revelation, we're too freaked to come up with a cohesive column topic, and therefore, we present to you made-up letters from fake readers.
I was in Sizzler the other day and this fat woman was sitting there talking on her cell phone about her hygiene problems at a volume normally reserved for elephants engaged in wanton carnal activity. It took all the self control I could muster not to knock her into the salad bar. My question: Is anything being done to win the war against cell phone abuse, or will I have no choice but to quit my job as a beet peeler and enlist? -- Bob Birkenbinker, Mogul
While we appreciate your patriotic spirit and certainly understand your hatred of cell phone abusers, I am glad to report that you can keep your job serving the wonderful American peeled beet industry.
According to an Associated Press dispatch out of Manchester, England, a judge has already fired the first figurative softball into the figurative crotch of nonfigurative cell phone abusers.
The judge, Timothy Mort, recently sentenced 23-year-old Faiz Chopdat to four months in prison because Chopdat would not get off of his cell phone while on a plane going from Egypt to Manchester. The charge: endangering the safety of an aircraft.
"I think this offense is so serious that only a custodial sentence can be justified," the judge said, according to the AP report. "It must be in order to deter people from turning on their mobile phones while on a plane. It's a 'clang of the gate' sentence."
Judge Timothy Mort is officially my hero. I propose that be moved to America and given his own court show, kind of like "Judge Judy," except that he won't be a raving bitch and that all of his cases will deal with punishing cell phone abusers.
All in favor of this plan? I noticed that all of you raised your hands. Except for all of you on your cell phones. I can't help but notice that you just plowed into the rear end of a Citifare bus because you weren't paying attention.
Does Faiz Chopdat have an endorsement deal lined up with some idiot Chinese food restaurant or something because of his unique last name? -- Smerdley Potlicker, Verdi
Not that we know of yet, but we figure it's only a matter of time. I can see the commercials right now: Faiz walks out of a kitchen talking on his cell phone, when all of a sudden, he comes across a peeled beet. He then takes out a cleaver, whacks the beet and shouts: CHOPDAT!
I think I am going to be ill.
Is there a line from the previously mentioned AP story that made you shoot iced tea out your nose? -- Mary Q. Contrary, Sparks
Yes. The story reports that Chopdat's attorney, Roger Hedgeland, said Chopdat's refusal to turn off his cell phone stemmed from the fact that "his client was returning from his honeymoon and was feeling 'some sort of bravado.'"
Were there any weird and freaky coincidences that happened involving state-sanctioned gambling on Sept. 11? -- Morty Muskenmooter, Spanish Springs
Yes. According to yet another AP dispatch, this one from Albany, N.Y., the numbers in the pick three New York lottery game on Sept. 11 were: Nine, one and one.
In that order.
Weird, eh? Carolyn Hapeman, a lottery spokeswoman, told the AP that it's the first time in more than a year that the 9-1-1 combination came up.
And even weirder ... it's the second time in more than a year that there's been an eerie coincidence involving a New York tragedy and New York state lottery numbers.
On Nov. 12 of last year, when American Airlines Flight 587 crashed in New York City, the numbers were: five, eight and seven.
(Cue the "Twilight Zone" theme music ...)
I am freaked out now. If you'll excuse me, I am going to go and peel some beets to calm myself down.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who thinks beets are truly disgusting little vegetables. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.