The amount of stupid press releases that are put out never ceases to amaze me. It just goes to show there are way too many public relations people out there. We need to round up a good percentage of these PR folks and send them to re-training facilities, where they can learn trades that will be of more of a benefit to society. Some possible career ideas include: underwater basket weaver, hemorrhoid medication tester and Regis Philbin unibrow-plucker.
I base this conclusion on the fact that in my capacity as the editor of an "alternative" weekly newspaper, I have received three press releases in one week from the Pork Information Bureau. I am not making this up.
I know what many of you are thinking: The Pork Information Bureau must have something to do with either Tad Dunbar or Roseanne. But you are mistaken. Actually, the Pork Information Bureau is part of the National Pork Producers Bureau, which is located in Des Moines, Iowa.
This latest release -- again, I am not making any of this up -- featured a press release headlined, "PORK TURNS UP THE HEAT THIS MEMORIAL DAY. Lean, Versatile Pork Tenderloin Makes For A Memorable Meal."
I know we can all relate to this. I am sure every one of us can remember a meal where, after devouring a pork tenderloin, we jumped up and said, "WOW! That was a memorable meal! That pork sure was versatile!"
The release then goes on to talk about how pork is just wonderful, conveniently omitting the fact that all this versatile, memorable pork, at one point, was part of a smelly animal that wallowed in muck, had a curly tail, and oinked a lot. Yummy!
The most disturbing quote on the release came from Ceci Snyder, who is "a registered dietitian and director of nutrition communications for the National Pork Producers Council." (Can you imagine meeting Ceci at a party, and asking her what she does for a living, and getting the response: "I'm a registered dietitian who is director of nutrition communications for the National Pork Producers Council"? Good lord!)
Anyway, here's her quote: "Tenderloin is perfect for grilling -- it cooks quickly and marries with so many flavors."
Marries? What? Call in the "Protection of Marriage Initiative" folks and sick them on this one. A marriage involving dead pig parts is worth fighting against.
The press release also consisted of some recipes, a color slide of some meal involving pork and a 20-page, full-color booklet about how to prepare and barbecue pork.
Most excitingly, there is also a 1-800 number to call to get more information, as well as (sit down for this one) a web site: www.otherwhitemeat.com.
Because I was curious, I dialed up the 1-800 number. I got a recording of a very perky woman. I was intrigued by option six, which said it was for educators and teachers. I pushed the number, and I was informed that by leaving my name and address, I could receive educational materials including "pork preparation lesson plans."
Am I the only one here that thinks the problem with our schools is that we're spending too much time on math and reading, and far too little time on pork preparation?
Since the phone call was so exciting, I then decided I needed to check out otherwhitemeat.com. This was undoubtedly one of the most wonderful decisions of my life. At first, I was given a page which explained that the site was under construction, but that I would soon be directed "to some great Easter recipes." The page then did change to a site where there were recipes and -- lie down for this one -- a brochure entitled "Another look at ham."
I was so worked up into a pork-induced frenzy I could not go even further. Wow. PORK!
You know, I take all that stuff I said at the beginning back. We need PR people like this. I need to know about prok-part marriages, pork preparation lessons and second looks at ham. Without these PR people, I would have never known about otherwhitemeat.com.
And, hey, I have to give those PR folks credit. If they were looking for publicity, I just gave it to them. After all, you read this column, didn't you?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is saving that color slide of a pork-tenderloin meal to cherish for ever. His (Jimmy's, not the pork tenderloin's) column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive of his columns may be viewed at www.geocities.com/jiboegle/columns.html.