Click.
"AtLANNNNNTISSSSS, where winners come to win and players play all niiiiiight. It's every player's PARRRRRRRRADIIIIIICE!"
Click.
"Welcome back to NBC's coverage of the Winter Olympics, brought to you by the same network that was largely responsible for the XFL. I am Bob Costas, and I am only here because I was stupid enough to sign a long-term contract. The Olympics and NASCAR are the only sports NBC has left since those dorks in the upper office decided not to renew its NBA contract. I am going to be stuck announcing stock car racing next year! No! I am too good for this! Help me! Oh, the HUMANITY!"
Click.
"Hi, I am Alan Keyes, and I am making sense. That's why I finished 32nd in the 2000 Republican primaries, right behind Orrin Hatch and Richard Simmons. And now I have my own show on MSNBC! Is this cool or what?"
Ugh. Click.
"But Chandler, I am in love with Rachel!"
"Ross, that's cool, but you can't be in love with Rachel. Joey's in love with Rachel."
"Um, Chandler, that hasn't happened yet. This is a syndicated episode of 'Friends' from 1998."
"Oh, my bad, Ross. That explains why I am still skinny! I am still on drugs!"
Click.
"Hi! We're the Gold Dust West cow puppets, and we're eating chicken fried steak."
"Hah! Cows eating steak! Isn't cannibalism cute?"
Click.
"OK, here's the $32,000 question ... The capital of Nevada is: A. Las Vegas; B. Carson City; C. Reno, or D. Mogul."
"Um ... I'll go with "D," Mogul."
"Is that your final answer?"
"Yeah, Regis."
"Oh, I am sorry. The correct answer is "B," Carson City. You leave with $1,000."
"Thanks, Regis. No big deal. I don't need the money, and it's not like anyone watches this show anymore anyway ..."
Click.
"We now take you to NBC's continuing coverage of figure skating, where the Canadian duo of Perrier and Escargot have finished a stunning performance to the music of Sir Mix-a-Lot's 'Baby Got Back.' It was a stunning performance, wasn't it, Scott?"
"Yes, Ted, it really was, and in my opinion, they won this thing hands down. All that we're waiting for is the judges' confirmation of that fact."
"And here come the scores ... 5.9, 5.8, 5.9, 7.2, 5.8, 5.7, 5.9, 3.141592 and 5.8."
"Oh, Ted, that's a travesty! A horrible thing! What was the French judge thinking, only awarding the Canadians a 5.7? I am appalled!"
Click.
"Hi! This is Penny Marshall and Rosie O'Donnell, and we'd like to officially deny that we ever did commercials for K-Mart. Those were done by someone else."
"Yeah! Martha Stewart made evil clones of us!"
Click.
"Welcome back to NBC's coverage of the Winter Olympics. I am Katie Couric, and thanks for watching. We just sedated Bob Costas with cattle prods, and everything's under control. We now go to Jim McKay."
"Screw you, Katie. I didn't get my Metamucil today, and I am not going on the air. Now, hey, STAY AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE CATTLE PRODS! I AM AN OLD MAN!"
Click.
"Feel the magic in the air! The action, the style, the food, the flair! Stay with us, play with us, in Reno stay Eldoraaaadooo, and live the EXCIIITEMENT!"
Click.
"Welcome to 'On the Record' on the Fox News Channel. I am Greta van Susteren, and I am suddenly hot."
Click.
"Welcome to CNN, I am Connie Chung. I am replacing Greta van Susteren. I am hot."
Um, no. Click.
"Welcome to '60 Minutes.' I am Andy Rooney, and I am hot. Look at my Speedo briefs!"
AAAAIIIIGGGH. Click click click click.
"And the Canadian judge is beating the crap out of the French judge! A right, and then a left!"
"Wow. This is unheard of in the world of figure skating! Let's see how the other judges rate the fight. 5.9, 6.0, 5.8, 5.9 ..."
Grrrr. Click.
"Where ya gonna go? Rail CITY!"
Yipe! AAARRRGH. (Sound of a TV being thrown out a second-story window.)
Aaah ... quiet.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who thinks curling should be televised more. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.