Fear and loathing in public restrooms


March 19, 2002

Last Saturday, I was watching an NCAA Tournament basketball game at a sports bar with a couple of friends. Kansas was pounding my beloved Stanford Cardinal so violently that I feared law enforcement would have to get involved. I decided to escape this unholy sight for a moment, and headed to the bathroom to answer the call of nature.

I headed into the men's room, unzipped, and began to answer that call. I looked down, and found that the red splash guard in the urinal had a message for me: DON'T DO DRUGS.

I was stunned, and my mind immediately filled with questions. What would possess someone to actually go through the trouble of making urinal splash guards that say that? Who in the world would take advice from anything in a urinal? What kind of dweeb is going to give up smack after being inspired while taking a whiz? Are the government morons who are producing those "drugs=terrorism" commercials seeking new ways to get out their message? Is a terrorism-related message next for urinal splash guards?

This was just the latest public restroom experience that has royally ticked me off. It seems that the older I get, the more messed up public restrooms are getting. Now the darned urinals are telling me to "just say no." I've never done drugs, but if I ever see "DON'T DO DRUGS" in any other urinal, I just may start.

This whole thing has to be an extension of an increasing phenomenon that must be stopped at all costs: ads in bathrooms. In one way, it makes sense: People doing their business are a captive audience. But in other way, it makes NO sense: When I am going, I don't want to be shopping. And I never, ever, want to admit that I saw these ads, even though some of them unbelievably tell us to mention the ad to get the discount. I don't want to mention I saw the ad to get 25 percent off my next muffler job, because then the idiot behind the counter would ask WHERE I saw the ad, and I'd lose it and shout "WHILE TAKING A CRAP AT SIZZLER, AS IF THAT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS," and it would lead to an unnecessary public scene.

Speaking of public scenes, why is it that everyone is talking to me these days in the bathroom? THIS DIDN'T USED TO HAPPEN. But these days, it seems like every time I go up to the urinal and start to go, some moron walks up to the urinal next to me and asks how I feel about the war on terror or something. Why? WHY?!? Just leave alone to do my business, man. I am trying to PEE here.

And ... this really steams me ... it seems like the older I get, the more disgusting public bathrooms are getting. Am I the only one who's noticed that it seems like many businesses feel that restroom maintenance and cleaning is a biweekly chore, tops? I have been in very elegant businesses that have bathrooms that look like they were last wiped down during the Carter administration. And the smells ... good gracious. Where are the people who are supposed to clean the bathrooms? Are they ordering more "DON'T DO DRUGS" splash guards or out selling stall ads for carpet cleaning? Dang it, business owners, CLEAN YOUR DAMNED BATHROOMS OR ELSE WE CONSUMERS WILL REVOLT AND ALL MOVE TO CANADA AND START DOING DRUGS.

And why is it that those white "for your protection" toilet o-ring things (one of my friends calls them, excuse my French, "ass gaskets") always slip into the bowl before you can sit down? And how come those automatic sensor faucets have some sort of attitude, and they don't want to come on, and even when they DO come on, they go off too quickly, and I am sitting there waving my half-washed hands at the censor like I have some moderate form of Tourette Syndrome? DAMMIT!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go back to that sports bar and use that damn urinal. Drugs are sounding awfully good right now. And I need some guidance.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who truly resorted to "bathroom humor" today. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be e-mailed at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

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