This is NOT the column of erectile dysfunction


October 19, 1999

The other night, I was sitting in my living room with five of my friends, watching the Boston Red Sox-Yankees playoff game--a contest won by the Yankees, in part, because George Steinbrenner is apparently paying the umpires incredibly large sums of money.

Anyway, one inning ended and the broadcast went to a commercial. We were all watching, munching on hamburgers, when the face of an attractive man, probably in his 20s, came on the screen.

Then came the voice-over: "THIS IS THE FACE OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION."

I swear to God, I have no idea what happened during the rest of that commercial, or for the next two innings of the game. I was laughing so hard, clutching my stomach and gasping for air, that I lost all sense of what was going on. My friends were doing the same, and half-chewed bits of hamburger were spewed throughout my living room. If someone would have walked into the room at that moment without knowing what was going on -- seeing six grown adults in uproarious laughter with hamburger bits on the carpet -- we would have all been put in a home.

This commercial leads to three questions: First, what in the heck is this world coming to? I mean, goodness gracious, it was bad enough having Bob Dole stump (HAR HAR!) for Viagra and erectile dysfunction, but now we have to face this. I have written about these type of commercials before, and advocated mandatory warnings before these commercials happen.

The second question is rather obvious: How much money did they pay this young man to do this commercial, anyway? I have not came up with an exact amount, but I know for sure that I would have to be paid major, major dough to do such a thing. I mean, imagine this poor guy trying to pick up a woman somewhere...

Man: Hi! My name's Todd. Can I buy you a drink?

Woman: You look familiar... Have I seen you before?

Man: Um... well, I have done a little acting before, but...

Woman (shocked): HOLY FREAKING COW! YOU'RE THE FACE OF ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION!!!

Man: Um... but...

Woman: Buffy! Linda! Check out! It's the dude in the stiffy pill commercial!

Man (snapping mentally): But little Todd WORKS. I SWEAR!!!

And my last question: What is this commercial trying to accomplish, anyway? I guess it is trying to put a human, real side to impotence. However, I have always been under the impression that impotence really has nothing to do with the face, but rather a region of the body further south.

It could be worse. At least the commercial isn't showing something else with the voice-over, "This is the penis of erectile dysfunction..."

--

On a completely unrelated note, I will now talk about Super K-mart, a store which I am sure has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction. At least not that I'm aware of.

I have started shopping at Super K-mart regularly, seeing as I now practically live next door to the store. While K-mart has been the butt of jokes throughout years -- as Rainman said, "K-mart sucks"-- I've actually come to like the place because it has some good stuff for some cheap prices.

As I was walking the aisles of the store one recent day, an employee was paged to the jewelry department. This struck me as strange -- a jewelry department in K-mart?

I decided to check this out. I meandered to the jewelry counter, where I saw they sold such things as watches, earrings -- and even engagement rings.

Now, I ask: What man would be stupid enough to buy a woman an engagement ring at K-mart?

It has nothing to do with the ring itself. The ring could be the nicest, most awesome piece of jewelry in the world -- but the fact is, the issue of where it was purchased will eventually come up.

Imagine that conversation:

Woman (gazing gleefully at a ring): Wow, Todd, it's beautiful. How could you afford it?

Man: Thanks. I've earned some extra money doing some pharmaceutical commercials.

Woman: So, where did you get it?

Man (suddenly nervous): Um... wanna have sex?

Woman: Seriously. Where'd ya get it?

Man: Um... K-mart.

(A scene of unimaginable violence.)

I hereby propose another law: I say that any man who buys an engagement ring at K-mart should be immediately shot. For the good of the human race, shouldn't a man stupid enough to do such a thing be immediately eliminated from the gene pool? He deserves to go away.

Either that, or make him do erectile dysfunction commercials. Either one...

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who notes that the word "erectile" is not included in the spell-check dictionary. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

1