Two thoughts occurred to me the other night when I was flipping through channels and I came across an episode of "The Facts of Life" on TV Land:
1. It is unbelievable that there was actually a character named "Tootie" at one point in TV history.
2. Man, those people were dressed like dorks.
There they were, the characters of "The Facts of Life," dressed like someone had forced them into their clothing as part of some cruel, wrong sorority prank. Big hair. Shiny silk blouses with shoulder pads. And the supposedly hot guys on the show? One word: mullets.
I sat there chortling at this fashion nightmare, wondering what had caused the 1980s world to behave so unbelievably stupid when they dressed themselves in the morning.
But I soon stopped chortling when it occurred to me how massively iditoic we will 10 or 20 years down the line, when people look back at how the world of 2000 dressed.
Let's stop and analyze some of today's fashion trends, looking through the glasses of someone from the future:
-- Bleached or frosted hair on guys. This is a hot look today among younger men. I got the shock of my life the other day when my aunt -- who is in her 60s -- actually asked me why I hadn't had my hair bleached yet. I looked at her and explained that I am already a blonde, and I don't feel the need to look like I was scared so bad that my hair turned white (although this has almost happened several times when I entertained the possibility that George W. Bush could have his hand on the nuclear launch codes in four short months).
How in the world did this look start? Was some trendy dude sitting somewhere one day, having lunch with his white-haired grandmother, when he suddenly looked at her and thought: "My GOD, I HAVE to get hair like that!"?
While many people like this look -- and to tell you the truth, I think it looks good on some people -- it looks silly on many people. I looks like they were following Pepe le Pew too closely one day when the street-line painter came by.
This is a look we will be mocking endlessly come 2020. Trust me.
-- Breast implants. I honestly don't know what happens when a woman who has had her breasts "enhanced" gets old, but don't think silicone or saline implants will sag -- even though the flesh around them will. So, I throw out this horrific thought: What will it look like when 80-year-old women are running around with breasts like pre-reduction Pamela Lee? Or worse, what if the sag factor comes partially in to play, and the result is 80-year-old women wuth breasts like pre-reduction Pamela Lee -- at navel level? In 2020, the world will be wondering what we were thinking.
Excuse me while I go and get some Pepto Bismol ... I am feeling a wee-bit queasy.
-- Piercings and tattoos. Much has been reported in the media about how the tattoo-removal business will be booming in 20 years or so when men and women realize they probably rushed into getting those "Powerpuff Girls" logos or "Limp Bizkit" images etched on their asses, so I'll move onto a more interesting topic: piercings.
When we look back on the tongue studs, navel rings and ankle piercings, we will undoubtedly be asking: How did these people get through airport metal detectors?
But what I am really intrigued by is the fact that some people, as they age, will stubbornly refuse to give up those piercings. Now, what will be believe when we have a 73-year-old man running around with his tongue still pierced? or worse yet, what will we think of the 43-year-old man who has a permanent hole in his tongue because he kept the stud he got, at the age of 19, in so long that the hole won't close up?
And we will not EVEN talk about the consequences of the men and women who had their unmentionable parts pierced, and what THAT will look like 25 years from now.
Man ... and we think that those beehives, the polyester and the bell bottoms of the '70s look bad now.
Now, this leaves one final, horrifying question: What will be in fashion then, while were looking back?
I am very afraid ...
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is glad that T-shirts and jeans are always in style. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.