I recently received this letter in the mail. I would like to point out that, once again, I have completely made this letter up:
Dear Jimmy,
Sincerely,
P.S. Who in the heck is responsible for that damn Pyramid Way exchange thing at Interstate 80? It was clearly designed by blind, drunk idiots.
Hi there! I have a question. From your mug shot, it appears that you must know something about all-you-can-eat buffets. Well, I am new to the area, and can't seem to master the concept. Could you give me some advice on how to deal with the unique, sensitive issues that buffet-eating brings up? I would really appreciate it.
Gunther L. Smirklewinker
Those are some fine questions, Mr. Smirklewinker. Let me be the first to agree with you: that damn Pyramid Way interchange is messed up. You can't turn left onto Victorian Avenue -- which last I checked, was freaking MAIN STREET -- and anyone who exits from westbound Interstate 80 should just give up. You virtually have no choice but to turn right onto Victorian, because there is no space between the exit and the intersection of Victorian. This is terrible for someone wanting to head into Victorian Square, or the theater, or the fountain -- but great for frequent patrons of the IHOP.
Also, there is a stoplight light there, making it illegal to turn right on red. I am not making this up -- a few days ago, it remained red for four minutes while the traffic light turned green for traffic exiting eastbound Interstate 80 three different times. I ended up running the dang light.
Now, to answer your request for tips on buffet etiquette ... first, I have no idea what that comment means -- about my mug shot looking like I know a lot about buffets. I am especially concerned about what this means to my mental health, considering I made that statement up about myself. But that is for me and my therapist to work out.
Regardless, I do know something about buffets. I have eaten at a wide variety of buffets around the Truckee Meadows. I have eaten at some that were so bad, Rush Limbaugh would refuse to eat there; conversely, I have eaten at some so good, Kate Moss would even go back from seconds.
So, without further ado ... here are three of the most important buffet-eating tips I can offer:
-- Do not eat a big meal before you go into a buffet. It is inevitable that you will eat a lot at the buffet (unless it is horribly terrible), and if you pork out at the meal immediately before your buffet meal, you will have problems. It is embarrassing to need assistance from a forklift to leave, folks.
-- Resist the temptation to smack the person ahead of you in line who has no concept of using food utensils. Picture it: You are in the salad line, and the middle-aged woman in front of you takes seven minutes to grab a total of no more than three croutons; apparently, she is from Mars, and has never used a set of tongs before. It may be very tempting -- almost to a point of a burgeoning obsession -- so smack her face into the cottage cheese and start screaming, but you must avoid such an action. You may get thrown out of the buffet by security -- which is a real tragedy, seeing as you pay when you go in at most buffets.
-- Avoid staring at the person at the buffet who is morbidly obese. No matter which buffet you are at, no matter what time of day it is, there will always be someone eating at the buffet who is so large that forks and pieces of lettuce stick to his or her sides because he or she has a gravitational force. This person will stack so much food on his or her plate, the fact that the plate does not implode breaks several important laws or physics. This person will make you -- and everyone else in the buffet -- fear the restaurant may be driven out of business because of the financial strain caused by this person's one meal. But do not stare at this person; it may cause you to lose your appetite, which is bad because, again, you are at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
I hope that by offering these tips, I have made your buffet-eating experience better and more enjoyable, Mr. Smirklewinker. With proper experience and training, you too will become a successful buffet patron.
But just be sure you do not become too successful. You will know when this has happened when the lettuce pieces are starting to stick to your sides.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who hopes he is not arrested for admitting he ran that red light. His column appears here Tuesdays; he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.