It's August 21, so that means ... nothing, really. Despite that, I'll answer some more reader mail. Except this time, all the mail I'll be answering is, as the 6-year-olds and chief executives of the United States say, "for reals."
That's right. The mail I am answering is actual e-mail I received from actual readers out there.
Amazing. People actually READ this column. Who'd a thunkit?
"Me and my friends Laura and Jeremy got one helluva deal ..." ??????? Check your English grammar book ... and you a Stanford grad.
This is a letter I received following the publication of my Aug. 7 column, in which I wrote about the ridiculousness that is the Bay Area housing market. This letter writer left out only one major verb in the phrase "you a Stanford grad," which obviously makes the writer quite eloquent, because he/she writes JUST LIKE I DO. After all, I DID write last week that stupid things happen when "when we awarding the presidency a Texas oilmen with the IQs of a cantaloupe and the voting support of half a million FEWER people than the 'second-place' finisher." (Online note: This is what last week's column read like in the printed version, although I fixed it for the Web site. --JB)
I mean, really. Who needs verbs like "are" and "start"? And prepositions like "to?"
Anyway, as this letter-writer points out, I made a serious mistake in that housing market column by saying that "me and my friends Laura and Jeremy got one helluva deal." Of course, I the mistake I am referring to is the reference that I actually have friends. I admit: This is a horrible misstatement. Of course, I have no friends, except for my imaginary friend, Gertie. That's the life of a lowly paid humor columnist.
Let me say, earnestly and sincerely, to the writer of this verb-challenged letter: I promise that me and Gertie will never make such a mistake again. Please accept my sincere apologies.
Whew. That was therapeutic. I feel better now. I shall now move onto another real letter. Joyfully, this one had all its verbs, and it was even signed.
Comparing George W. Bush's IQ to that of a cantaloupe is an insult. The cantaloupe does serve some function. -- Robert Wilson, Sparks
Thanks for the letter, Mr. Wilson. I appreciate it very much, and I would like to apologize to all the hard-working growers (and for that matter, the cantaloupes themselves) for comparing George W. Bush's IQ to these wonderful locally grown fruit products.
But I must say, Mr. Wilson, that it is somewhat harsh to claim that George W. Bush doesn't serve some function at all. I mean, he must serve some function -- like, for example, kowtowing to the desire and will of oil companies by deciding that oil drilling should take priority over pesky things like natural preservation or the health of our planet. And he serves a valuable function to Dick Cheney by going out and making grammatically festive speeches while pretending to be president, giving the real Dick in charge more time to think up other laws that are beneficial to the oil industry.
Plus, I must mention a related function that George W. Bush does quite well: He gives us "liberal" humor columnists endless fodder by just opening his mouth. Here are some beautiful, real George Walker Bush quotes I thieved from dubyasays.com:
-- "I understand small business growth. I was one." --New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
-- "I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less, I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people." --Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000
-- "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." --Reuters, May 5, 2000
-- "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California." --Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000
-- "The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case." --Pella, Iowa, as quoted in the San Antonio Express News, Jan. 30, 2000
Again, to all the cantaloupes out there, me and my grammar teacher is very sorry.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who makes sure that his columns are relatively free of numbers, just to make sure they're never confused with budgets. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.