Creak bang! Ah, the joys of apartment-style living


December 21, 1999

If you happen to witness someone acting cranky in the greater Sparks/Reno area, please be kind to him or her.

Because there's a good chance he or she lives in apartment, seeing as there are a lot of apartment complexes around here. And if that is indeed the case, he or she may be cranky because he or she was awakened at 2:47 a.m. by the sound of his or her upstairs neighbors getting "jiggy" with each other.

I was one of these cranky types the other day. I swear that this is the truth -- I was awakened from a dead sleep at 2:47 a.m. by my upstairs neighbors. I should also note that I am a sound sleeper, and could sleep through most anything, including nuclear war, a Metallica concert, or an impassioned City Council speech by Sam Dehne.

That's how loud my neighbors were that night; the bed was creaking and banging against the wall. It was borderline frightening.

In order for you to get an idea what I heard, here is a portion of the transcript of the proceedings:

"Creak bang creak bang creak bang creak bang creak bang ooooooh creak bang creak bang creak bang creak bang yes! creak bang creak bang YES! creak bang creak bang creak bang OH GOD! CREAK BANG CREAK BANG CREAK BANG CREAK BANG CREAK BANG!"

Anyway, you get the point. When I heard this, I was primarily upset for two reasons: First, they woke me up, and second, they were obviously having a lot more fun that I was.

But as weird as my experience was, it could have been worse. A friend of mine, who also lives in an apartment, once told me a story about hearing her next door neighbors getting "funky." But in the midst of everything, she then heard some sort of mechanical noise coming from that apartment as well. In her words, "It sounded like a small appliance, kind of like a blender."

Imagine that.

"Creak bang creak bang creak bang creak bang creak bang creak bang YES! creak bang creak bang creak bang OH GOD! CREAK BANG CREAK BANG WHIRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"

Such experiences are not new and actually pre-date the invention of the modern-day apartment complex. Listening to your neighbors getting it on goes back to prehistoric times, when people lived in caves and primarily lived a nomadic lifestyle. (However, listening to your neighbors getting it on with the aid of a small appliance is a more recent experience).

Back then, however, the people you heard getting it on were other members of your "clan," or in other words, members of your own family. Picture your parents or some of your aunts and uncles doing the "nasty," and you will probably experience the onset of nausea. Then, I am sure you will then realize how much better we have it today, in the modern, apartment-encrusted world, where at least the people we hear having sex are in no way related to us.

Yes, we should be grateful for our modern apartments. We should be grateful for next-door neighbors like mine, who decided to leave a couch in the area between our two front doors for two months. I think they brought the couch from somewhere, only to find it was too big to fit in their doorway -- so they left if there for two full lunar cycles.

(I should note that the couch was moved only after I put an anonymous sign on the couch saying "MOVE ME!" My theory is my neighbors, who did not seemed too bright the few times I've met them, finally got rid of the couch because they freaked out and thought the couch was actually trying to communicate with them).

Finally, we apartment-dwellers don't have to worry about landscaping yards or home repairs or property taxes, like all the poor schmoes who live in houses do. And after all, it could always be worse; for example, my upstairs neighbors could discover Viagra. That would result in a lot more CREAK BANG in the middle of the night.

And then I would be REALLY cranky...

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who wishes everyone a Merry Christmas -- even his upstairs neighbors. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

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