Well, the candidate filing deadline has passed, and there are approximately 94,367 candidates running for public office in this great state of Nevada. And of those candidates, approximately 23 of them have a chance of winning.
But this is a republic, dammit (technically, it's not a democracy, and you can poke anybody in the eye who tells you it is), and it's our duty to vote even though the candidate who has the most money always wins. Therefore, as a service to you, the Educated Voter, I present to you the Jimmy Boegle Guide to Political Parties. There are eight officially recognized political parties in this state, and here's what you need to know about each of them:
Republican: The dominant political party in the state today. Currently in control of the executive branch of state government and the state Senate. Manage to keep a straight face when someone refers to George W. Bush as "intelligent." Represented by an elephant (Rush Limbaugh). Consider themselves the party of less government, unless "less government" interferes with their morals (i.e. abortion and gay issues). Mainly pasty, white men. Think the name "Strom" is perfectly acceptable. Have economic system names (trickle down) that trigger urination desires. Give Limbaugh something to appreciate other than pastries.
Democrat: This used to be the dominant political party in the state until aliens abducted all of the party leaders and convinced them that they didn't want to run for higher office. Now the No. 2 party in the state. Currently control the state Assembly, and that's about it. Represented by a donkey and a jackass (Bill Clinton). Consider themselves the party of the working man. Often supported by unions, except for this year, when they're all supporting Kenny Guinn, because the Democrats could only find a can of clam chowder to run against him. Called "tax and spend liberals" by enemies. Applaud at the mention of the word "Tipper."
Independent American: The No. 3 party in the state. Currently in control of a fortified compound or two in Sparks. Believe that Republicans are too liberal. Get heart palpitations anytime someone speaks kindly of Bill Clinton. Believe in the Constitution, except for the parts referring to the separation of church and state and freedom of religion. Use the word "sodomite" with a straight face. Represented by anybody named "Hansen" except for Ira, who has a really cool mustache if his mug shot is accurate.
Libertarian: The best-known third-party in the state. Currently in control of the Las Vegas Review-Journal editorial board. Believe in (according to their Web site) "individual liberty and personal responsibility, a free-market economy of abundance and prosperity and a foreign policy of non-intervention, peace and free trade." Some are sensible, liberty-minded folks. Others are anarchist whackadoos. About as relevant as hog snot.
Greens: The most hated third party around. Currently in control of efforts to convince people that they are NOT responsible for George W. Bush getting elected. Believe that the environment must be respected, and that the Corvair is unsafe at any speed. Not really into bathing or decent hair cuts. Represented by Ralph Nader, who scares small children. What yellow and blue make when combined.
Natural Law: The most unknown third party around that actually has anybody running for anything. Founded 10 years ago to, according to its Web site, "bring the light of science into politics." Represented locally by perennial candidate Lois Avery, whose political aspirations are summed up nicely by her address (Fantasy Lane, according to the Secretary of State). Make hog snot look relevant.
Reform: The best-known political party until Pat Buchanan got involved. Was once relevant for about three days several years ago. Represented by H. Ross Perot, who's now embarrassed by the whole thing. Accidentally helped a professional wrestler become governor of a state. Few, if any candidates running under the Reform banner this year. Considering Perot, Buchanan and Jesse Ventura are the party standard-bearers these days, it's understandable why.
Emigration:Listed by the Secretary of State's office as a political party. Seriously. Probably made up by Dean Heller one day after he accidentally inhaled too many paint fumes.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is stunned that he used the word "whackadoo" only once in this column. His column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.