October 21, 2003
Let’s stop and take a look at the facts:
-- FACT: Spam, the annoying crap that comes to your e-mail inbox without you asking for it, not the lunchmeat, is becoming a problem. (Spam, as a lunchmeat, has ALWAYS been a problem.)
-- FACT: Some members of Congress, feeling empowered over the popularity of the anti-telemarketing "Do Not Call" list, have suggested a similar "Do Not Spam" list. People would sign up with their e-mail addresses, and would-be spammers could obtain the list, in theory, so they could know which e-mail messages they couldn’t send solicitations to; it would be illegal to spam the addresses on the list.
-- FACT: In most places, most spam is already illegal.
-- FACT: Getting lists of active e-mail addresses is important to spammers.
-- FACT: If Congress stupidly enacts such a spam list, and you signed up for it, you’d be dumb enough to qualify for a congressional seat.
I couldn’t make up the above facts if I tried. Nor could I make up some of the spam I get in my e-mail on a daily basis.
We all get these ridiculous e-mail messages -- by the bunches. Being the great thinker that I am (read: I needed a humor column topic), I decided to go through my spam to see if there was anything to be learned about the world that we, as technologically advanced human beings, live in today.
Here are real excerpts from some of the spam I've recently gotten.
-- "Tiny Wireless Video Camera: This is the World’s Smallest Full-Color Wireless Video Camera!" The e-mail goes into great detail about the camera and its potential uses: "For Safety! For Security! For Surveilance! For Fun!" Oh, I should also note that the e-mail also includes … a picture of a naked woman from the back. WHAT THIS SPAM TELLS US ABOUT MANKIND: We’re a bunch of wannabe-spy perverts.
-- "Better than Botox! Anti-Aging Breakthrough! No Painful Injections!" The e-mail touts a product that reduces wrinkles and improves skin tone; it features a picture of a woman with her eyes closed. She could be peaceful and relaxed. Or sleeping. Or deceased. WHAT THIS SPAM TELLS US ABOUT MANKIND: We’re a bunch of shallow dorks who worry too much about our outward appearances, as if we didn’t already know that from the fact that people willingly get poison shot into their heads to smooth out harmless wrinkles.
-- "This famous 'Super Consultant' is offering his business secrets … and he’ll pay you -- if you’re not made a believer!" The e-mail includes a picture of a man supposedly named Jay Abraham. WHAT THIS SPAM TELLS US ABOUT MANKIND: Nothing, but it does tell us that Jay Abraham, if he indeed exists and had this e-mail sent out, is a cretin bastard who should be beaten.
-- "Super Viagra -- Cialis is Here!" The e-mail features a picture of a woman pulling her pants down and bending over. WHAT THIS SPAM TELLS US ABOUT MANKIND: Boners are important.
-- "We are very please to introduce our company to you as a leading manufacture and distributor of cleaver Blade and Electrode." The grammatically challenged e-mail then asks the reader to go to the company’s Web site and ends with this: "If you have any inquiry, please send us your fax or e-mail and we do our Also we would like to ask for your kind understanding with us about talking sometime to give you our reply due to our influent English." WHAT THIS SPAM TELLS US ABOUT MANKIND: Languages can be tough to master. Just ask George W. Bush.
-- "There’s a P--- Party on and you’re all invited!" This e-mail, which does not have any images attached -- thank GOD -- offers "hidden toilet spycams." WHAT THIS SPAM TELLS US ABOUT MANKIND: If hostile aliens came from another planet and decided to annihilate us simply because we're a bunch of sick losers, we’d have no grounds to argue with them.
Overall, this spam taught me a great deal about humanity: Namely, that I don't want to admit that I am a human, and that I hope I was actually dropped here by a confused, knocked-up alien from another planet.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go check my e-mail. I want to see if they’ve acknowledged my order for cleaver Blade and Electrode yet.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who actually ate Spam once. Jimmy’s column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.