Who will win in 'Truckee Meadows Survivor'?


August 22, 2000

The Host: Hi! I'm Jeff Probst, and welcome to "Truckee Meadows Survivor." We're down to the final four survivors; let's meet them. First, there's Reno Mayor Jeff Griffin. How do you feel knowing that you've made it to the final group?

Griffin: I feel pretty good, actually. I'm excited.

Host: Do you feel weak from not eating very much?

Griffin: No, actually, I'm eating really well. My friend Phil bought me food the entire time I was here. He charged everything on a credit card.

Host: Um ... OK. Next, we have John Ascuaga, owner of the Nugget in Sparks. How are you feeling, John?

Ascuaga: Perfec! I've just been used to walking around all the time. I like walking, you know. I walk 20 miles a day just to make sure my customers are happy. Perfec perfec perfec.

Host: All rightie then. Our next survivor is Ed "The Waver" Carlson. How's it going, Ed?

Carlson (waving to the camera): Great, Jeff. I am happy to be here. I'm a little hungry, though.

Host: Really, why is that?

Carlson: Well, I was going to eat some slugs and some rats, but Griffin wouldn't let me. He said they were all his "colleagues."

Host: Wow. Chin up, Ed. You're almost done. Finally, we have the lone woman left in the group, Frankie Sue Del Papa, the state's highly regarded attorney general. Frankie Sue, how do ...

Del Papa: I'm sorry to interrupt, Jeff, but I have something to say. I hate to do it, but I'm going to have to drop out of the race.

Host: Excuse me? Why?

Del Papa: I am sorry. The Republicans have too much money.

Host: Well, if you must go, OK. But I have no idea what you're talking about.

Del Papa: Well, I'm outta here.

Host: Fine, then. As I take your torch, I put out the fire, for fire represents life. And I will now blow on the conch shell of courage before I take a big puff on the doobie of dialogue, because I can't bring myself to say such asinine crap unless I'm hammered.

Griffin: By the way, Probst, does anyone know we're here? I'd like to keep this meeting secret, if possible.

Host: Oh, lord. Anyway, let's bring in the people who have most recently been voted off of "Truckee Meadows Survivor." They will serve as the jury to determine the winner. First, we have Sparks Mayor Tony Armstrong. Tony, you were voted off because of an alliance between Ascuaga and Griffin to deny the existence of your city.

Armstrong: Yeah. It sucks. Griffin was also mad because I told him my downtown theater's better than his downtown theater.

Griffin: Yeah, while mine's bigger. More screens.

Armstrong: No, your Park Lane one has more screens, but not your downtown one. Besides, it's not the size that counts, it's how you use it, and there's also the matter that mine actually has been visited, you complete and total ...

Host: OK, let's move on. The other jurors will be Cory Farley, a columnist for the Reno Gazette-Journal, who was voted off for publishing photos of himself wearing Spandex; Tad Dunbar, who was voted off for eating everyone's food; and Wendy Damonte, who was voted off because nobody recognized her name after she got married.

Damonte: Wyness, Damonte, Who knew?

Host: Well, jurors, you have three people left. Who are you going to vote off first?

Farley: I have to say John Ascuaga. That speech impediment of his is driving me crazy?

Ascuaga: Huh? I speak perfecly.

Dunbar: No, let him stay. He has a really wonderful buffet!

Damonte: I'll vote for Ascuaga, too. His name is hard to say.

Armstrong: I want Griffin outta here, and I'll shove that Riverside theater up his Regal-sized ass ...

Host: AHEM ... that's two votes for John Ascuaga I'm sorry, John, but you're going to have to go. As I take your torch, I put out the fire, for fire represents life ...

Ascuaga: Blow it out your conch shell, Probst. (Ascuaga re-sets his pedometer and leaves.)

Host: Well, that leaves Griffin and Carlson. I think I know who Armstrong's voting for already, so how about you, Wendy?

Damonte: I'm gonna vote for the waver. He seems like a nice guy and all, but walking around and waving all the time? It just seems odd ...

Dunbar: I'm with Wendy. The mayor gave me a cookie once.

Host: Well, Cory Farley, it's up to you. Who are you gonna vote for?

Farley: I'm gonna have to vote off the mayor ... OW! (A person in a Gazette-Journal blazer stabs Farley with a syringe and injects something). I am feeling dizzy. Oh, my head ... I feel ... the Gazette-Journal leadership is trying to make me a zombie ... I MUST SUPPORT THE STATUS QUO. THE MAYOR IS THE ESTABLISHMENT. I MUST VOTE OFF THE WAVER.

Carlson: That isn't fair!

Host: I am sorry, but the jury has spoken. Jeff Griffin, you are the ultimate survivor. Congratulations!

Griffin: Yay! I haven't felt this giddy since we blew up the Mapes!

Host: Well, that will be all until next time. Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for the network premiere of "Total Recall."

Griffin: Excuse me. Did you say recall?

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is sure all those mentioned in this column have terrific senses of humor. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive of his columns may be found at http://geocities.datacellar.net/jiboegle. 1