The calendar says it's Dec. 22, which means only two shopping days remain until Christmas, not counting today. Thankfully, I am done with the majority of my shopping, and I even managed not to totally overwhelm my credit cards. Or rob anybody.
While I was shopping with my limited budget, my mind began to wander, and I thought: If I had an unlimited supply of money and power, what gifts would I buy for my friends and family? Cars? Houses? Gift certificates to Mustang Ranch?
And even better, what would I buy for those prominent members of the community, just for fun? You have to admit -- there are some great gift-giving opportunities out there in the region. So, here is a little list of gifts I would like to give, if possible, to those members of the Sparks/Reno area...
--For Mayor Bruce Breslow: a cellular phone with a year of free use. Whether or not you feel this cell phone controversy was a big deal or not, you must admit: Just giving him his own damn free phone would make it so this controversy would never happen again. I think it makes sense. Then again, I also thought Aaron Russo made sense on occasion.
Never mind.
--For Mike Mouliot and Joanne Bond, as well as the rest of the county commission, save Jim Galloway: a toy train set that just doesn't work. The symbolism would be too much. The fact that the train didn't work would make them feel depressed -- which is emblematic because that is what they want to do to the tracks, and because that is how they have made county residents feel about not getting any real say in how their tax dollars are being used.
--For Mayor Jeff Griffin: a Reno-opoly game. Kind of like Monopoly, except that Reno properties are being used. I imagine the hours of fun he can have, buying up all sorts of available properties such as the Riverboat, the Holiday, the Mapes, the Riverside, Harolds Club, the Virginian... and on and on. I am sure as the game progresses, other properties will become available, too. And instead of building houses and hotels on them, Jeff can instead put oversized theaters on the lots.
--For Moya Lear: a thank-you card from the community. She has given so much -- the latest thing being the Lear Theater -- it's time she gets something in return. If only more people with money were more like her...
--For the Reno Gazette-Journal management: a boot to the head. Since this newspaper went to its new seven-column format -- defying journalistic logic by all accounts -- editors have been able to run even smaller stories. All the more better to waste an immensely talented staff, eh? If someone has a good reason for why the Gazette did this, please let me know. They made an ugly newspaper into a laughable newspaper; it was like taking Linda Tripp and putting a clown nose on her, for pete's sake.
--For Max "Jethro" Baer and his derrick: all of the permits and permissions he needs to get building the Beverly Hillbillies Casino. In a word, Park Lane Mall sucks. Ever since Weinstocks and Sears left, the mall is a mere shell of what it was; what can the casino hurt? Reno certainly could use another attraction -- and even if you think the Beverly Hillbillies ideas is tacky, people will come to see it. Plus, the fact of the matter is that gaming in Reno/Sparks is booming -- that is, when you get out of downtown Reno. John Ascuaga's Nugget, the Atlantis, the Peppermill and Boomtown are practically tripping over themselves to see who can expand the fastest.
However, I would also give Baer one more thing: a pin, to deflate that ego of his. He just seems to come off as being a bit self-important. I support your idea, Jethro, but you have no reason to go around acting almighty.
--And finally to the readers of the Daily Sparks Tribune: our profound thanks, from all of us at the newspaper. The fact is, we could not do the newspaper without the readers. I hope you enjoy the Tribune as much as we enjoy putting it together every day.
From all of us, have a very merry Christmas. And bundle up; it is really freaking cold out there.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, wishes they sold Egg Nog year-round. Jimmy's column appears Tuesdays in the Tribune. He can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@alumni.stanford.org.