I recently found myself sitting in a coffee shop, reading a magazine and trying to forget the fact I had just paid $3 for a cup of coffee. As I read, the sweet, wonderful smell of freshly-baked cookies wafted to my nose.
Ah, it was rapture.
I decided to go up to the counter and purchase one of these fresh-out-of-the oven treats. But I was denied.
"We can't give them out until they've completely cooled," said the man behind the counter.
"WHAT?" I said. My eyes probably started bugging out or something (I was upset, because these cookies smelled really good. Plus I'm generally weird anyway) and the man tried to explain why he was withholding a cookie from me, a paying customer.
"It's a liability thing," he said.
His co-worker, trying to help but only making the situation worse, chimed in: "I think that whole McDonald's-coffee thing is responsible."
I was beside myself. "What, am I going to spill a hot cookie in my lap?"
"No, but you might burn your mouth. And then you could sue."
"No, then I would be a MORON for biting into a HOT COOKIE!!!"
With the aid of some serious sedatives, I agreed to pay for a cookie, and wait until they were deemed cool enough. About 10 minutes later, I received the chocolate-chip dessert, which was completely lacking warmth at that point.
Speaking of lacking warmth, I blamed one group fully responsible for this whole thing: lawyers.
Before I get lots of letters (in the form of legal subpoenas announcing trillion-dollar lawsuits against me) , let me point out the valuable role attorneys play in our society. They can defend the little man (Danny Devito) against large companies and government entities, and they help those who have been harmed to recover damages from those responsible. They also perform the important task of being one of the very few groups that gets less respect than we media members. I am extremely grateful to lawyers for that reason.
But they also royally screw things up. The fear of lawsuits has led to some really stupid things in society--besides the withholding of cookies from the hungry public.
One example of this is warning labels. Have you ever stopped to read some of the warning labels out there these days. Good lord. It's moronic. While I can't take credit for finding all of these warning labels myself -- lists of these are everywhere on the Internet --I can tell you that none of these are made up, because I've seen lots of them myself.
-- "Not for human consumption." -- on a package of dice.
-- "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- in the manual for a chain saw.
--"Do not eat." -- on a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the Styrofoam packing.
--"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- on a portable stroller.
-- "Do not iron clothes on body." -- in instructions for an iron
-- "Warning: Use of this device does not enable wearer to fly." -- on a label for a child's Superman costume.
-- "Warning: Do not use while sleeping." -- a warning label on a dryer.
This is what lawyers have done to our society. Because one fine, stupid day, one of the world's biggest morons decided to munch down some dice or Styrofoam packing, we have to have a label. And I hope to God that the label on the Superman costume is NOT there because of something that some stupid person once did. ("Well, go ahead and throw little Bobby out the 27th-story window. He can fly 'cause he's wearing the costume. Here he GOES! Oops...")
I think, if anything, politicians should have warning labels. It makes sense.
WARNING: The words this man is about to say may or may not be true, and this man reserves the right to have numerous busty interns if elected to office. Favors may be freely bought. This man has really bad breath. And he's wearing women's underwear.
But politician warning labels are the one thing we WON'T be seeing anytime soon. That's because most politicians are -- you guessed it -- lawyers.
Oh, well. It could be worse. At least there wasn't a warning label actually affixed to my cookie. But I'm sure it's just a matter of time.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is excited that pitchers and catchers are reporting. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.