December 23, 2003
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Kwanzaa greetings! And all that! Help me! I can't stop using exclamation points!
Ha ha. A little holiday humor to you and yours this festive December. If you're like me, then you're overwhelmed with the trappings of the holiday season: shopping, baking, having near fist-fights over parking spaces at Meadowood Mall, drinking mulled wine by the gallon, etc. It can be quite taxing, kind of like the 2003 Legislature.
Har! More humor. But in all seriousness, it can be a real pain in the patootie to keep up with all the news this time of year. There's too much to do! Therefore, the Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Column Department has been scanning the wire services for holiday-related news. Here's a recap; none of the stories are made up.
THE GOOD. An Associated Press story, posted on CNN.com, proves there's good left in the world. Jennifer Walterscheit was out shopping, like everyone else on the planet, earlier this month when an envelope -- containing 30 hundred-dollar bills -- fell out of her purse and blew away. Stunningly, do-gooders found and turned in all but one of the bills -- and when she told this heart-warming story to a Milwaukee Journal Sentinel columnist, a woman called to report that her 13-year-old son had found the last bill. See? Greed doesn't run rampant everywhere; as long as CEOs, politicians and the Bush Administration don't get involved, honesty can still be found.
THE BAD: Don't be fooled by the previous item; some people in the world are still bad and sucky cretins. An AP report, posted on the SFGate.com Web site, tells the story of a man who robbed a Latrobe, Pa., bank earlier this month -- while dressed like Santa Claus. Either somebody has an evil sense of humor, or the recession has reached the North Pole and is causing people up there to resort to drastic measures.
The UGLY: Here's a sentence from another AP dispatch, posted on SFGate.com: "Pet supply stores, which have enjoyed strong growth even in the soft U.S. economy, are doing a booming business in holiday and seasonal gifts for pets as owners stock up on sweaters, antler headbands, jingle bell collars and other holiday items." It's good to see that people can find the bucks to psychologically torture their beloved pets, despite economic hardships. And now, this public service message from the Daily Sparks Tribune: If you ever feel the urge to make your cat or dog wear fake antlers, please get help. Fast.
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY ALL ROLLED INTO ONE: In Tucson, Ariz., Edward Sanders allegedly decided to show what a scuzbucket he is by trying to swipe a Salvation Army pot from a bell-ringer outside of a drug store. The volunteer, a 60-year-old woman with cerebral palsy, tried to stop him; she failed. (She was roughed up a bit, but OK.) But as Sanders tried to run away, he got in the way of a Honda sedan. After being treated, Sanders was hauled off to jail, and the pot (containing $53.97) was returned. South Tucson police Sgt. Dan Snyder told the Associated Press: "I think God has a poetic sense of justice."
THE UTTERLY RIDICULOUS: In a sign that some people really need to be given
something to do, 519 people in New York recently gathered to get themselves in
the Guinness Book of World Records by performing the largest carol service.
This, according to a Reuters report, beat the previous record by two people.
The report goes on to say: "Guinness officials had 12 marshals on the scene to make sure all carolers were actually singing and not just moving their lips to traditional Christmas songs such as Jingle Bells and Deck the Halls. Guinness required that all participants knew the words to the carols and that the singing went on for at least 15 uninterrupted minutes. Saturday's effort lasted 16 minutes and 17 seconds." To quote Charlie Brown: Good grief!
On that note, I need to go drink another gallon of mulled wine. Until next time, have a happy holiday season -- filled with as much joy and laughter as humanly possible.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona. His column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.