Lawsuits and other things done by vermin


September 23, 2003

What is wrong with the world today? I mean, besides the Bush administration, Gannett Co., Jennifer Lopez and Carson from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy?"

The answer: lawyers, dammit.

Now, before all you lawyers slither out from under your rocks and send the Sparks Tribune subpoenas, let me say: I am sure there are good, reputable, upstanding lawyers out there. Just like there are good bacteria, such as the ones used in the digestive process.

But then there are the other 99.9999 percent of lawyers.

I was in Reno last weekend to attend the Nevada Press Association's annual convention and awards dinner, during which Sparks Tribune photographer Debra Reid won approximately 3,576 awards. But that's not my point, which is: At one point while I was watching TV, I saw that Glen Lerner has spread his practice to Reno.

I don't know Mr. Lerner. I have never met the man, and for all I know, he could be the greatest lawyer and person since Mother Teresa met Earl Warren. But when I lived in Vegas, unfortunately, I got to know a bit about Mr. Lerner through his commercials, which are the most annoying TV advertisements since Carrot Top decided to try to "act." If you've never seen a Glen Lerner commercial, you lucky bastard, let me fill you in: They feature Lerner, who looks like a former athlete who ate at too many buffets, running around trying to talk with bad special effects. He also has the nickname, "The Heavy Hitter."

These commercials are one of the reasons I fled Vegas, screaming, into the arms of the saguaro cacti of Arizona. And now, I learn that Lerner and his commercials have infected my hometown. I think Bob Cashell, Tony Armstrong and the Carano family should hold an emergency summit to stop this madness.

And the madness continues. Lawyers and stupid lawsuits have led to things happening like this, from an article CNN.com:

George Frideric Handel has at least one thing in common with Eminem and other modern artists: his music was slapped with an "explicit" warning at Apple Computer Inc.'s online iTunes Music Store.

The baroque composer's 1742 masterpiece, "The Messiah," was marked with the red warning that indicates the content might not be appropriate for young children or others with sensitive tastes. It's on a recording by the London Philharmonic Orchestra conducted by John Alldis.

The warning, which appeared when the album's tracks were made available Tuesday but disappeared late Tuesday, was most likely a technical mix-up, though "The Messiah" does touch on love, violence and death -- in a more profound way than, say, most music produced 260 years later.

The article goes on to say that there was some sort of mistake, and that the folks at Apple didn't really mean to label "The Messiah" as "explicit." But I could see it happening. It's only a matter of time before someone bans the Bible for being explicit, with all the killing and the begetting and whatnot.

And here's another example of lawyering run amok, also from CNN.com:

The nonprofit library cooperative that owns the Dewey Decimal system has filed suit against a library-themed luxury hotel in Manhattan for trademark infringement.

The Library Hotel, which overlooks the New York Public Library, is divided according to the classification system, with each floor dedicated to one of Dewey's 10 categories.

Room 700.003 includes books on the performing arts, for example, while room 800.001 has a collection of erotic literature.

… The complaint filed in U.S. District Court in Columbus seeks triple the hotel's profits since its opening or triple the organization's damages, whichever is greater, from the hotel's owner.

Wait a second here. Back up the truck and tell me: WHAT POSSIBLE DAMAGES COULD THIS HOTEL HAVE CAUSED THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?!?

Good lord. These sorts of things by lawyers need to be stopped.

Although I would like to see what the guys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" would do with Glen Lerner. But I digress.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who congratulates all the folks at This Fine Newspaper who won awards. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

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