Doing the skinny while dodging enormous hair balls


April 24, 2001

It's a Friday evening, and I am in the check-out line at Albertsons with one of those funky little blue baskets (that always, for some reason, have onion skins caught in the grid at the bottom). It contains automotive fuses, French bread, tomatoes, lettuce and roast beef. I have two things on my mind: a delicious roast beef sandwich (hold the automotive fuses, please) and the delicious the rear end on the cashier.

I am a step away from uncontrollable, prolific drooling, when my eye catches some words that instantly yank me back to reality in startling, disgusting fashion:

GAL COUGHS UP 4-LB. HAIR BALL

I let out a small "eek!" and almost dropped my basket. The little old lady in line behind me gave me an odd glance; I smiled at her, which caused her to give me an even weirder look. With that, I decided to investigate the hair ball matter further by perusing the fine publication with this attention-grabbing headline. Yes, the publication I am talking about is the infamous Weekly World News.

Because I KNOW you're dying to find out the story behind the hair ball, here's the skinny: Amber Gurkey (please note the last name), a fairly attractive Kansas City, Kan. 31-year-old, was supposedly in the middle of a job interview at a day-care center when, according to the article, "the mother of all hair balls reared its ugly head."

Of course, there is a picture of the hair ball. Speaking of heads, it kind of looks like Sam Donaldson from above.

Anyway, the article explains that Gurkey, like other young women (news to me), has "a nervous habit of chewing the ends of their hair and accumulating the fuzzy masses in their stomachs." Shortly after this interesting tidbit, Gurkey revealed that she had previously coughed up six or seven hair balls, "but this was the largest."

And, no, she didn't get the job. A lawyer friend of mine points out that if Gurkey was denied the job because of the hair ball, then she may have grounds for a lawsuit under the Americans With Disabilities Act, because coughing up enormous hair balls has got to be some kind of disability.

As Paul Harvey would say, "Now you know the REST of the story about the 'grapefruit-sized ball of hair and gunk.'" Or something like that.

Of course, I bought the issue of the Weekly World News. After all, the newspaper is PACKED with ... well ... I don't know what to call it. Something. In any case, here are some other stories from the April 24 issue of the Weekly World News:

"Smokers Make Better Workers, Says Expert"

"She's The World's Biggest Toad! Lottery Winner Gives Away $400G Jackpot -- To Her Boss!"

"Battle Of The Boobs! Christina & Britney Bustin' Out All Over"

"Lamb With Human Face Born In India!"

"Hell Found In Outer Space!"

"Ghost of Dale Earnhardt Saves Driver From Fiery Wreck"

"Democrats Plant Sexy Intern To Seduce Bush -- But He Gives Her The Boot!"

And my favorite, because it is so odd and baffling: "Jesus Was Middle Class!"

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the top story of the week, an inspirational, touching, tear-jerker of a story, about a walking skeleton wearing a bikini top and shorts, titled "Triumph Of The Human Toothpick." It's about a woman named Irialdes Alves, who is supposedly 5-foot-7 and weighs 34 pounds. Yeah, she's anorexic, but thanks to herbs and exercise, she is doing just peachy. And she's making a living by marketing an exercise tape -- available in the United States by late summer, folks -- called "Do the Skinny."

The article said that a portion of the video in which she's "doing her new dance" is available on the Weekly World News Web site. This was just too festive to miss, so myself and a co-worker, Catherine, hopped on the 'Net to see "The Skinny."

I'll I will say is this: If you've ever wanted to see a picture of a near-dead anorexic woman doing pelvic thrusts, run, don't walk, to www.weeklyworldnews.com. After viewing it, I was so impressed that I wanted to run into traffic.

Geez. And people dare decry the current state of American journalism ...

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is proud to say he has never, ever, hawked up a hair ball (or anything else, for that matter) during a job interview. His (Jimmy's, not the hair ball's) column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at jimmyboegle.com. 1