It's July 24, which is National Phlegm Day (at least it is at my house, as I am battling a horking case of bronchitis, which you didn't need to know about, but I told you anyway, so neener neener). In honor of this fine (note the sarcasm) day, we will be dedicating this space to more made-up letters from readers with silly names who don't really exist.
Here we go.
In last week's column, you used the phrase "headlights" to refer to a woman's frontal, bulbous chest region. What other vehicle-related words can you use to describe body parts? --Doug Wiffenwoofer, Sun Valley
That's a phenomenally good question, Doug. As a matter of fact, it is such a good question that I have to go and lie down for a minute while I cough up most of my innards.
OK ... there are many words referring to car parts that can also refer to parts on a Homo Sapiens. "Seat" is an obvious example (Whoa, check out the seat him/her/that AMC Gremlin!). "Bumper" is another, although it is a bit more nebulous, as it may refer to someone's girthy rear end (If Mr. Whipple eats another Whopper, he's gonna have a rear bumper the size of Dom Deluise), or it may refer to another body part that is often used for activities that some would consider to be sinful if done outside of the bonds of marriage. Other good car/body part terms include "backseat," "pump," "trunk," "rack" "stick shift" and "catalytic converter."
You were kidding about the "catalytic converter," right? --D.W., S.V.
Maybe. Maybe not.
So, anyway, why do people use that phrase, "the bonds of marriage?" Doesn't that sound like something kinky? -- D.W., S.V.
Interesting point. But enough from you, Doug. I am beginning to think you're something of a pervert.
Have you ever seen that show, "Fear Factor"? It's the one hosted by the buff dude from "Newsradio," and they make the contestants do scary, gross stunts, like jumping from one moving semi to the other, eating cow eyeballs and listening to George W. Bush's improvised speeches. What's the deal with this show? -- Pamela Marie Smith, employee, Prater Dairy Queen
"Fear Factor" is the latest in a series of "reality TV" shows, including "Survivor," "Temptation Island," "The Real World," "Big Brother," "The Mole," and Comedy Central's "That's My Bush," in which the president turns out to be a total dumbass. The point of these shows is to put "real" people, just like you and me (except that they are all obscenely gorgeous) in "unusual" situations. Critics have decried these shows, largely because the shows are all very successful and the critics are jealous that they didn't think of them.
"Fear Factor" is one of the newer "reality TV" shows, and it has been scoring high ratings because people are vindictive bastards who like seeing gorgeous people forced to do scary, gross things. It's like someone took all the popular people in high school and forced them to, say, eat live, enormous, stinky beetles. The only bummer is that the winner gets $50,000.
Hey, wait a minute ... I was popular in high school. I don't want to eat enormous, stinky beetles! -- P.M.S., P.D.Q.
What you want and what you get are two different things, so watch it.
Hey, what's the phlegm situation? -- D.W., S.V.
Hey, D.W., I thought I told you to stop writing fake, imaginary letters to me, dammit. Anyway, since you asked, I just coughed up a creature resembling Papa Smurf, only it was green. Cool, eh? I think I'll donate it to science, that is, if I can get it away from my cat.
Dude, that's really gross. -- P.M.S., P.D.Q.
Yeah, I know. It is. Well, I have to be going now. I need to go force-feed a certain "brazier" employee live beetles.
Then, I think I am going to cough up my catalytic converter, if you get my drift.
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, presents the above as an example of what can happen when an award-winning humor columnist has to write a column while sick. It ain't pretty. Anyway, Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.