Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! --Monty Python
The word "Spam" means different things to different people. To the average man who is familiar with potted meats, "Spam" brings to mind a product that, in a pinch, can be used as spackle. To the insane, it brings to mind the words "lovely" and "wonderful," as the scamps of "Monty Python" showed us nearly three decades to go.
But within the last few years, "spam" has taken on a whole different meaning that is not lovely, not wonderful and not spackle-related. Of course, I am talking about e-mail spam.
For the e-mail erudites, I will explain: Spam is a term for unsolicited e-mail messages sent to a person, often in large quantities. And boy, was I spammed last week.
It all started on Tuesday, when I received a message with the header, "The Information You Requested ... " I opened the e-mail and saw the line:
Herbal Viagra -- NO PRESCRIPTION, NO DOCTOR, LESS THAN $1/pill!
Talk about offensive! I had not requested any such information about any such natural stiffy pills, and to insinuate that I, a 25-year-old male, needed help "raising the flag" was reprehensible. (Note: He's right. After all, what does someone who has no known dating life need Viagra for? --Ed.)
"How rude!" I yelled, sounding a bit too much like Jar Jar Binks to feel completely comfortable.
I deleted the e-mail quickly, only to have the e-mail return to my inbox. And return. And return.
I am not making this up: I ended up getting the e-mail almost 400 times, every 15 minutes or so, for four full days.
You know how annoying it is to come into work, check your e-mail, and see 60 copies of the same damn message pop up, telling you that "the information you requested" is finally here, but you didn't request it, because you have no need for herbal Viagra, and the messages keep popping up, and you want to BEAT YOUR COMPUTER INTO A PULP TO MAKE THE MESSAGES STOP AAAARRRRGH....
Ahem. You know why they call it spam? That's what your brain turns into as all the e-mail messages keep downloading.
Finally, on the third day, I decided to check out one of the e-mails. After all, seeing as some evil computer somewhere felt compelled to send me the message a gazillion times, somebody obviously felt I had an urgent need for this information.
Apparently, that somebody wanted me to get a good laugh. I will now share some "testimonials" about this amazing wonder pill that were included in the e-mail. I am not making this up, as I am not this insane:
"[The pill] turned my husband into a Sexual Superman ... It's bringing back the good old days." (Jennifer B., Beverly Hills, Calif.)
"I had sex four times in one night. It made me feel like a 19-year-old again." (Chip S., Beach Mountain, N.C.)
And my personal favorite:
"I haven't had sexual relations in 11 years. Then with [the pill] it was ... wow! It works again!" (Sid R., Lakeland, Fla.)
Excuse me, but do I need to know this? Do I care that some dweeb was able to score four times in one night? Do I need to hear that some man's wife is elated that her husband can again be the man of steel? And why does Sid feel the need to proclaim, via a mass e-mailing, that "it" has someone come back to life?
After receiving some 400 e-mails about Chip's four orgasms per night -- that's 1,600 scores by Chip, for those of you keeping score -- the e-mails finally stopped.
But I fear that this hiatus from the world of spam is merely temporary, and that my life, like the life of that couple in the "Monty Python" sketch, will be again filled with the unavoidable problem of ... SPAM.
At least I can draw comfort from the fact that singing Vikings have yet to make an appearance.
Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth generation Nevadan who encourages everyone massively confused by this column to go out and rent the "Flying Circus" episode that includes the spam sketch. His column (Jimmy's, not the spam sketch's) (although it would be cool if the spam sketch could have a weekly column, no?) appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org. Just don't spam him, OK?