The topic for today's column is not a very easy one to talk about, but in the spirit of candor and honesty, I feel that it is something that needs to be discussed.
The topic: Why do some old people smell funny?
Now, before you get in a huff and come down to the Tribune's building to beat the tar out of us with your canes and walkers, let me explain: I am not saying that all old people smell funny, nor am I claiming that old people are the only group that has a unique odor all its own. For example, many teen-agers smell funny (Nirvana said it was the smell of "teen spirit," a statement which can be explained by the fact that many members of Nirvana were on drugs). Smokers have a certain fragrance, too (eau de rotting armpit), as do construction workers (a fascinating blend of grease and B.O.). Heck, even many journalists reek (smelling like a cross between doughnuts, ink and poverty).
Having said that, it's undeniable that many senior citizens have a smell to them. It's almost indescribable -- a mixture of the odors of Ben Gay, rainwater and rotting bananas. This begs the question: Why do old people smell like this? Yeah, the Ben Gay part makes some sense, but there is no good reason that old people would smell like rainwater or rancid bananas unless they're in charge of the monkey cages at the Seattle zoo. And this is highly unlikely.
Here are some theories on why the old person smell exists:
1. Some people emit pheromones; some old people, who are past mating age, emit the old-person smell. Scientists have proven that humans emit pheromones, like pretty much any animal does. And these pheromones attract people to each other. Some people, like Brad Pitt, put out lots of pheromones, meaning that women flock to him like seagulls flock to a discarded hot dog on a beach. Other people, like San Donaldson, put out fewer pheromones, meaning that women flock to him like women flock to a discarded hot dog on a beach.
Maybe in the case of old people, something has gone wrong with their pheromones. It's possible that their pheromones aged and simply went bad, kind of like milk does. So, this would mean that the old person smell is a result of the elderly emitting rotten pheromones. Interesting, eh?
2. Blame it on Ben Gay. This is a goofy theory, but bear with me here. Maybe, just maybe, the makers of Ben Gay put a chemical in the product to make it smell like rotting bananas and rainwater when it is breaking down. That would explain the combination of the three smells quite nicely, wouldn't it?
Here's the only problem with my theory: Why would the makers of Ben Gay want to do this? Hmm ... maybe they've discovered that the smell of rainwater and rotting bananas acts as a pheromone with old people, making them desire not other old people, but more Ben Gay. Think about it! It makes people addicted to Ben Gay -- once an old person starts using it, they can't stop, because the Ben Gay breaks down and the smell makes them need more! Yeah! That makes sense ... well, maybe, uh ...
Never mind.
3. Blame it on the media. The popular thing for people to do these days is to blame everything -- including Elian Gonzalez, acid rain, Cher, herpes and even Regis Philbin -- on the media. So, why not blame the old person smell on the media, too?
It's possible that bitter media members, such as Sam Donaldson (who is mad because he is pheromone-deprived and is often compared to discarded pork products), made up the old-person smell and made it into a media issue, when in reality, it's not much of an issue at all.
Naw. That couldn't be it; the old-person smell isn't discussed much in the media, and there is tangible proof of the old person smell -- namely, old people who smell.
So, there you have it. It appears the source of the old person smell will have to remain a mystery for a little while longer. I think I'll take the lead of Nirvana, and simply say the old person smell "smells like elderly spirit."
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is grateful that elderly folks have great senses of humor, especially with regards to this column (hopefully). Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive of his columns can be viewed at http://geocities.datacellar.net/jiboegle/columns.html.