This, being mid-summer of an election year, is the time during which Americans get all worked up and interested in one of the least important parts of the electoral process in this Republic For Which We Stand: The selection of the vice presidential candidates.
The media is all aflutter right now, getting overly excited to the point of involuntary bodily functions about who George W. Bush and Al Gore are going to pick to be the Rikers to their Picards. The media is really in a tizzy as it has been practically announced that George W. Bush is going to name Dick Cheney to be his running mate.
This news gave me the following reaction: AIIIIIIIGH NOOOOOO! Do you remember what happened the last time we had someone named Dick as part of a presidential ticket? That's right: bell bottoms and polyester came into fashion. Oh, the horror!
Aside from that, I really have nothing against Dick Cheney. He seems like a good enough guy; he was the Secretary of Defense under George Bush, hold the "W," and was a congressman for a decade from Wyoming.
(I do, however hold something against George W. Bush: He looks a bit too much like Alfred E. Newman to be president in my book. This freakish resemblance has been pointed out by more than one person on more than one occasion. Plus, like Alfred E. Newman, Dubya seems to have the I.Q. of a drunk wombat. But that is beside point, because we're talking about vice presidents here.)
Anyway, I must say I am weary of some of Cheney's overly "conservative" stands. But like I said, I don't hold this against him, because it really doesn't matter what the vice president thinks, as thinking is nowhere to be found in the vice president's job description. The vice president has one thing to do, and that is to be around in case the Big Guy kicks the figurative bucket.
Taking this all into consideration, I think that the best vice president in the history of this Land of the Free and Home of the Brave has been, without a doubt, Dan Quayle.
Right now, I am sure many of you are cleaning up after spitting out whatever liquid or food you had in your mouth when you read the last sentence. And I don't even want to know what happened to those readers in Depend-brand undergarments.
But, yes, I am being serious (at least humor-column serious, which in reality means very little) when I say J. Danforth was the best of all the veeps. My reasoning is very simple:
1. He didn't mess anything up.
2. He made us laugh our asses off for over four years.
Most vice presidents manage not to mess anything up, and Quayle was no exception here. (If he, rather than Bush Sr., would have gone around hurling on heads of state, it would be a different story.) And while some vice presidents in the past have been a hoot (I mean, we had a vice president named Spiro Agnew -- that in and of itself is amazingly hilarious), none have been as knee-slappingly, rip-snortingly funny as Quayle.
Let's review some of the quote attributed to Quayle over the years:
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
At the 20th anniversary of the Moon landing: "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
In Hawaii: "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
And my personal favorite: "The other day (the President) said, 'I know you've had some rough times, and I want to do something that will show the nation what faith that I have in you, in your maturity and sense of responsibility.' (He paused, then said) 'Would you like a puppy?' "
Dan Quayle was a great, great man -- and a great vice president. If Dick Cheney wants to be a good vice president like Dan Quayle, he has a lot to learn.
I suggest Cheney studies by hanging out with Yogi Berra.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth generation Nevadan who managed to get through this entire column without bringing up "potatoe." Oops ... anyway, his (Jimmy's, not Dan Quayle's or the potato[e]'s) column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.