Did you hear what happened last week? Some dude claimed that he was driving down the freeway here in Las Vegas near the Strip when his cell phone went all goofy and switched to a call in which several men, speaking Arabic, claimed that they were going to be hitting "the city of corruption" on "the day of freedom."
He took this to mean that terrorists were planning an attack here, in Las Vegas, on the Fourth of July. Granted, that could also mean they were attacking Washington D.C. on gay pride day or something, but who knows?
Now, all of you in Sparks heard about this alleged threat on Vegas, went "hmm" or something, and then went back to drinking margaritas at the Farmers' Market. That's all well and good, except for the fact that I NOW LIVE IN LAS VEGAS, meaning that I said "hmm" and then nearly wet myself.
This sucks. And this (the terrorist threat, not me nearly wetting myself) was boffo big news until all sorts of weird stuff happened.
The man who claims he got the misplaced cell phone call, Michael Hamdan, became a huge media figure for about 17 minutes, giving interviews on Fox and CBS and CNN and, for all I know, the Cartoon Network, even though the media knew nothing about Hamdan except that his last name conjures up images of pork. Heck, even the FBI said they were taking his claim "seriously."
As all this was swirling around, then came the news that an Al Qaeda operative had come forward and pledged that more attacks were on their way in the United States.
AIIIIIIIGH!!!
Hamdan subsequently took a lie detector test. He failed it. This was followed by his neighbors coming forward and saying that Hamdan's a whackadoo (I'm paraphrasing). Of course, Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman, showing typical restraint and calm, told a TV news crew -- I swear to God he really said this -- that Hamdan should be "whacked" and that he'd like to squeeze Hamdan's neck really hard. Considering Goodman had a very lucrative career as a mob lawyer, Hamdan should probably be wetting himself right now.
Meanwhile, Hamdan's claiming his neighbors are just mad because he's won neighborhood battles against them before. He is also sticking to his story.
Well, as you can imagine, this whole spectacle has resulted in a real mess. The mayor's frothing. Casino execs are panicked that this threat may keep tourists and their hefty wallets away from here. And then there are all of us residents who take solace in the revelation that Hamdan's a few letters short of an alphabet, but still worry because WHAT IF HE ISN'T LYING?!?
It is true that Mohammed Atta, one of the Sept. 11 hijackers, spent time here in Las Vegas. That's a verified fact. There's a Starbucks here on Flamingo Road that he supposedly visited, which some locals now refer to as the "terrorist Starbucks." And with all the people and wanton gambling and nakedness and disgusting buffets, Vegas would make a great terrorist target.
Knowing that Murphy's Law constantly lurks around the corner, wouldn't it be just typical for Hamdan to have been telling the truth? Wouldn't that be a humdinger of a coincidence? The person who accidentally hears the terrorist phone call just happens to be an Arabic-speaking nutjob who angers his neighbors and can't pass a lie detector test? Unlikely, yes, but considering we live in a world where, somehow, Britney Spears became a renowned recording artist, and Dan Quayle can become within a heart attack of nuclear launch codes, "unlikely" seems to be happening an awful lot these days.
DAMMIT! This sucks. I have a sudden urge to move back to the Truckee Meadows and get absolutely blitzed on Farmers' Market margaritas.
But despite all of this, I am staying put. And I refuse to wet myself. Because if I wet myself, the terrorists win.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who's having a snit because he can't get that damn song "Nod Your Head" from "Men in Black II" out of his head. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.