I look forward to the new year, I am struck with one thought: Who the hell came up with this ridiculous calendar?
You would THINK that the year's end/beginning would actually signify something, like the winter solstice or Ann Landers' birthday or Arbor Day. But no, it falls on a random day of the week with nothing going on. And what is the deal with some months having 30 days, others having 31, and mutant February having 28? And we don't EVEN want to get into leap years.
Because I apparently need a life, I did a little Internet research on where the calendar came from. And according to worldbook.com, this calendar, despite all its weirdness, used to be a lot more messed up.
The worldbook.com folks say -- and this is all the truth -- that this calendar got its start about 700 B.C. thanks to Romulus, the first ruler of Rome. Their calendar -- get this -- consisted of 10 months (Martius, Aprilis, Maius, Junius, Quintilis, Sextilis, September, October, November, and December), with 304 days per year.
"The Romans seem to have ignored the remaining 61 days, which fell in the middle of winter," says worldbook.com.
Huh? How is this possible? For 61 days per year, everything stopped? Or did a "year" only consist of 10 months, meaning that summer started in Junius one year and in Aprilis the next? And, most importantly, what substances were Romulus smoking when he came up with this calendar?
Somewhere along the line, a Roman ruler named Numa Pompilius came along and tried to fix things by adding January and February to the calendar. This made the calendar 355 days long, which, if you're keeping score at home, is still, well, wrong, according to the Earth's rotation, which kind of determines these things.
Pompilius realized this was the case, and took action. According to worldbook.com: "To make the calendar correspond approximately to the solar year, Numa also ordered the addition every other year of a month called Mercedinus. Mercedinus was inserted after Feb. 23 or 24, and the last days of February were moved to the end of Mercedinus. In years when it was inserted, Mercedinus added 22 or 23 days to the year."
This begs the question: Why did the Romans get political leaders with cool names like "Romulus" and "Numa Pompilius" while we get political leaders with names like "George Bush" and "Kenny Guinn?"
The Pompilius calendar was still a bit off, and by the time Julius Caesar came along to give Shakespeare something to write about in about 46 B.C., things were all goofy. Autumn came in the modern-day equivalent of July, and winter arrived around September. Therefore, Caesar went to an astronomer named Sosigenes, who suggested that they stick with 12 months of 30 or 31 days, except for February, which retained its mutant status with only 29 days, except during leap years, when it would get 30.
But the calendar was awry, so in 46 B.C., in order to fix things, Caesar took action. According to worldbook.com, "Caesar ruled that the year we know as 46 B.C. should have 445 days. The Romans called it the year of confusion."
Ironically, that's what modern-day historians are calling 2000, in honor of George W. Bush.
More from worldbook.com: "The Romans renamed Quintilis to honor Julius Caesar, giving us July. Sextilis was renamed August by the Roman Senate to honor the Emperor Augustus. According to tradition, Augustus moved a day from February to August to make August as long as July."
Back to the whole Roman names thing: Be grateful these months were named after their leaders, not ours. Can you imagine having a birthday in Bushtober? Celebrating Valentine's day in Guinnuary? Going to the beach in Goregust?
Anyway, this calendar was used for over 1,500 years, until Pope Gregory XIII fixed things in 1582. You see, the Julian calendar was off by 11 minutes and 14 seconds, because the Earth has the nerve NOT to rotate around the sun in a whole number of days. This meant the calendar was off by 10 days by the time 1582 came around, when Gregory put down the smack by making it so that years ending in "00" are not leap years, unless they're divisible by 400.
And, despite all this, the year, on average, is still 26.3 seconds off from the real-life solar year. I hereby call on George W. Bush to fix this disparity, re-doing the entire calendar if necessary.
Then, just maybe, Bushtober will be a reality.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who wonders if next year will really be "A Space Odyssey." His column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive of columns can be seen at jimmyboegle.com. Really.