In honor of the fact that I have all sorts of tangential things that I want to write about, I will use this week's column to answer some more made-up letters from fictional readers.
Why is it that some clothes look all splotchy under black light? Is this the work of Satan? -- Bertha Hornswaggler, Sparks
That's an excellent question, Bertha, and I just happen to have something tangential to write about clothes glowing splotchily under black light.
I was recently at a popular Reno dance club with a group of people. One of my friends was wearing a fake fur coat and a matching furry hat; I mention this not because it has anything to do with glowing clothing, but just because it's kind of interesting.
Anyway, I was out dancing as well as a white Nevada ranch boy can (which is not very well) when I noticed something simultaneously hilarious and alarming: my friend Steve had on a pair of jeans that was glowing in the frontal crotch region. I pointed this out to Steve, and he was horrified. Yet, he kept dancing. Meanwhile, he kept looking down at his glowing pants -- never slowing down the dancing, mind you -- resulting in a strange new dance that, if it ever became a dance craze, would be even more horrible than the Macarena.
But to answer your question, Bertha: I have no idea why certain clothes glow like that under black light. I asked Steve why his pants were glowing in that region, and he had no idea, or at least that is what he claimed. And I seriously doubt that Satan had anything to do with this, because he's been too busy lately helping out John Ashcroft.
Is "splotchily" a word? -- Pete R. Bilt, Mogul
I am working on it. I have contacted the "Oxford English Dictionary" folks, and they're quite excited about the potential of a word like "splotchily."
Is this Steve fellow the same person who said the silliest thing you've ever heard that did not come out of the mouth of a member of the Christian right? -- Beatrice Boofer, Reno
Yes, he is. I was in San Francisco with him and another friend, Kendall, when Kendall noticed that his cellular phone was in roaming mode. Kendall was under the impression that San Francisco was included in his calling area; confused, he asked Steve while looking down at his cell phone: "Hey, are you roaming?"
Steve replied, in all dead seriousness: "No, I am Basque."
This happened a year ago, and my stomach is still sore from laughing.
Am I the only one glad that the Winter Olympics are over? I mean, after all, I can only take so much curling excitement. -- Gertrude Snerk, Sun Valley
I am with you, Gertrude.
Honestly, I am glad the Olympics are over because if I had seen another headline playing on Apolo Anton Ohno's last name, I would have flown into a rage so impressive that I would have been stripped of my boxing license by the Nevada Athletic Commission.
Even before the Olympics started, journalists have been using the fact that "Ohno" is just like "Oh no" without a space to use "Oh yes" in idiotic, somewhat disturbing headlines. Sports Illustrated, for example, featured the young skater on its Feb. 4 cover with the headline "Ohno? Oh, yes!"
Ever since, I have seen variations of this headline used over and over and over again. Apparently, America's headline writers are either so lazy that they don't care that they're reusing an inane headline that's been done before, or they're so stupid that they think this headline is somehow original and witty, when it is neither.
I suggest that Congress enact legislation banning this headline from ever being used again. After all, Ohno is only 19, meaning there's a good chance he'll compete in at least one more Olympics. I don't think I can stand to see this headline resurface in 2006.
And I can't help but wonder: What would those speed skaters' uniforms look like under black light, anyway?
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is trying to start a city curling league in Las Vegas. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.