LAS VEGAS -- The Daily Sparks Tribune has learned that state officials are secretly responsible for the recent signing of Celine Dion to a three-year contract at a prominent Las Vegas Strip resort -- in an effort to keep people away from Las Vegas.
According to documents obtained by the Tribune, officials -- concerned that necessary infrastructure such as roads, schools, water supplies and Krispy Kreme Doughnut supplies are in danger of being overwhelmed by the state's skyrocketing population -- decided to take covert measures to discourage more people from moving to the area.
The first covert measure was to sign Dion to a three year contract at Caesars Palace. The deal, announced earlier this year, will make the French-Canadian "singer" the centerpiece of a complicated show starting in 2003. Park Place Entertainment, the parent company of Caesars Palace, is currently constructing a new arena for the show.
"We are convinced that bringing Dion to Las Vegas on a full-time basis will scare the living bejesus out of people who might otherwise move to Nevada," says one top official in a secret memo. "After all, who would want to claim to be a resident of Dion's hometown? Look what has happened to Canada."
It appears that the effort may have the desired effect. The news of Dion's signing has alarmed a number of Las Vegas residents, some of whom have already started packing their bags.
"Ever since I heard that damn 'Titanic' song on the radio 23,975 freaking times, just hearing the name 'Celine' has given me the runs," said Myrtle Merschenwinker, a 6-year Las Vegas resident. "And you know that Caesars is going to put up billboards all around town with her face on them. I fear such a thing will give me seizures."
Another Vegas resident, Tom Pimpkowski, said he couldn't stand living in the same town as Dion.
"I mean, have you heard this woman sing?" Pimpkowski asked. "It sounds like someone trying to anally probe a cat with a fire hydrant. And those lyrics. 'Near, far, wherever you are ...' That's just wrong, man."
While the signing of Dion is expected to primarily impact Southern Nevada, officials hope that the effect will spill over to the rapidly growing regions of Northern Nevada as well.
"The disturbance from the Dion signing will undoubtedly spill over to the Reno-Sparks area," says an official in another secret memo. "However, it's questionable as to how much this will stop growth in the area, considering the fact that the area has continued growing despite the presence of such heinous things such as the National Bowling Stadium, ads featuring Sands exec Ferenc Szony and the Reno Gazette-Journal editorial board."
When confronted with the secret documents, officials became tight-lipped.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Nevada Gov. Kenny Guinn. "I like growth, and think that growth is vital to this state. We're talking about Viagra, right?"
When informed that the discussion had to do with Dion, not Viagra, Guinn quickly changed his tune.
"No comment," he said.
Reno Mayor Jeff Griffin also declined to comment unless given a $10,000 campaign contribution.
Sparks Mayor Tony Armstrong was not sought for comment, because nobody -- not even the Reno-Sparks Convention and Visitors Authority -- cares what Sparks thinks.
In any case, Las Vegas area moving companies have noted a substantial increase in outbound business since the Dion announcement.
"It's been great for business," said Harold Horker, owner of Horker Transport Co. "We're hoping that maybe someone will sign Pauly Shore to a big contract next. Maybe Carrot Top, too. Then I could retire a happy, rich man."
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is irritated about the fact that there's no apostrophe in Caesars Palace. Dammit. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.