This Thanksgiving season, be sure to give thanks that your tax dollars allow our federal government -- in this time of budget cutbacks and financial struggle -- to assemble and release statistics on sweet potato consumption.
Seriously. While I was doing Internet research on Thanksgiving (don't ask why I was doing Internet research on Thanksgiving, just accept it, smile and nod), I ran across a Nov. 8, 2001 press release from the U.S. Census Bureau highlighting various Thanksgiving-related statistics. They haven't put such a release -- at least one that I could find -- for 2002, which I am sure has you in an uproar because you DEMAND that our government provide we, the people, with timely sweet potato statistics, and I recommend you write your congressman (Martin Sheen) right NOW to ask why the Census Bureau is slacking off.
RANDOM SIDE QUESTION: If they only do the census every 10 years, why in the heck does the U.S. Census Bureau remain in operation other nine years?
Anyway, using the information from this 2001 press release, we can learn the following:
-- There were 270 million turkeys raised in the country in 2001, according to a "preliminary estimate." I think I speak for the American people when I say: Damn, that's a lot of ugly, dumb birds. Where do they keep them, anyway? And what do they do with all the feathers?
-- Minnesota was the turkey-raising capital, with 44 million turkeys raised in 2001. Does this explain why the damn things always show up frozen? And is it just a coincidence that these people who hang out with all these turkeys elected Jesse Ventura to be their governor?
-- Some 558 million pounds of cranberries were produced in the United States in 2001. Seeing as there are 288 million American citizens right now, give or take a few million, that's two pounds of cranberries for every man, woman, child and Reno City Council member. Yuck.
-- There were 1.4 billion pounds -- yes, that's a "b" -- of sweet potatoes produced in 2000 (apparently, the sweet potato number estimates weren't available for 2001 when this release was released, for reasons we can probably blame on Dick Cheney). That's about 4-5 pounds of sweet potatoes per person, per year. Clearly, this statistic must have been meant as a prank.
-- In 1999 (where are the 2000 and 2001 stats, I demand to know), the average American snorked down 14 pounds of Turkey. That's 74 percent higher than in 1980, when people only ate an average of 8 pounds per year. This explains why the average American today weighs more than a locomotive.
-- There are 8 places in the United States named "cranberry" or some variation of the word "cranberry." Again, I believe we can blame Dick Cheney for this.
-- The United States gets most of its turkeys and cranberries from Canada, which is stunning, seeing as Canada is known primarily for hockey, syrup and tundra. Our great country actually had a trade deficit in Turkeys of $5.3 million and a deficit in cranberries of $7.2 million. Considering this, it's only logical that we immediately invade Canada to protect our economic interests, just like we protect our oil interests. After all, we don't want a bunch of people who speak French and who give things ludicrous names like "Ottawa" in charge of our cranberries, now, do we?
-- But you'll be relieved to know the United States had a trade surplus in sweet potatoes of $6.5 million. You may now sleep better at night.
I hope these statistics were helpful to you, the loyal and wonderful reader of This Fine Newspaper. After all, as taxpayers, you paid for them.
And when you sit down on Thursday and get ready to inhale enough food to feed the Congo for a month, remember: Much of what you are eating came from Canada. And much of what you are eating will go straight to your thighs.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who has a real tough time visualizing 1.4 billion pounds of sweet potatoes. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.