I really don't understand dancing, no matter how hard I try.
Let me clarify: I understand dancing when it's done by professionals, such as ballet dancers, casts of Broadway plays and 327-pound NFL football players who have just scored touchdowns. In these cases, dancing is a beautiful thing: the fluid, graceful movement of the human body, which can evoke powerful emotions and send powerful, amazing messages. I get that.
I do NOT get the dancing that is done by normal people. Rather than fluid, graceful movement, it looks more like people joyously having alcohol-induced seizures in rapid-fire succession.
My lack of dancing comprehension may partially be due to the fact that, no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot dance. I have taken lessons and tried to imitate what I've seen being done by the professional dancers, and it simply doesn't work. I end up looking like I am faking alcohol-induced seizures.
Anyway, in an effort to understand dancing a little better, I accompanied some friends to two very different dance clubs over the last two weekends: the area's most prominent country dance club, and the area's most prominent gay dance club. Here is a comparison, and what I learned about the clubs, the dancing and the participants.
The men at the country dance club: Typical dress included cowboy hats and various Wrangler-brand apparel, including jeans that were so tight they technically could be considered pantyhose. Drank mostly beer. Used words and phrases such as "y'all" and "I reckon." Primarily interested in the "phillies" present. Mostly line-danced.
The men at the gay dance club: Typical dress included name-brand preppie stuff such as A&F, Gap and Tommy Hilfiger. Some people dancing removed their shirts. Drank mostly beer. Used words and phrases such as "Ohmigod" and "What IS that skank wearing?" Primarily interested in the status of how their hair looked. Mostly danced as if under the influence of high doses of electricity.
Comparison and what I learned: The men at the gay bar like showing off their upper bodies while they dance (shirtless) while the men at the country bar like showing off their lower bodies (Wrangler pantyhose). Choice of beverages similar. Dance styles both alarmingly wrong.
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The women at the country dance club: Typical dress included jeans and country-style shirts, occasionally made of flannel. Drank mostly beer. Used words such as "y'all" and "LOOK AT WHAT IS IN THOSE JEANS!" Hair mostly poofy. Primarily interested in the jeans' contents. Mostly line-danced.
The women at the gay dance club: Typical dress included jeans and country-style shirts, occasionally made of flannel. Drank mostly beer. Used words such as "y'all" and "Wanna see my new truck?" Hair mostly appeared to have been cut by lawnmowers. Primarily interested in heavy machinery. Mostly refused to dance.
Comparison and what I learned: Lesbians and country girls have a lot in common, except for their choice of hairstyles, dancing and interests. I fear that I may somehow be a lesbian, seeing as I don't dance, either.
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Music at the country club: Country music that someone took and blatantly violated by adding a bass beat at a volume usually reserved for leveling small buildings. Also played mind-blowing songs such as "Baby Got Back." (I swear this happened.)
Music at the gay dance club: Music that has been stripped of any and all sound except for techno sounds with a bass beat at a volume usually reserved for intimidating whales.
Comparison and what I learned: The country bar music had more bass. The country folks apparently like big butts, and they cannot lie.
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Most alarming thing at the country club: Line dancing.
Most alarming thing at the gay bar: Wide variety prophylactics on the bar.
Comparison and what I learned: Line dancing is far more alarming to me than anything going on at the gay bar. If you've seen line dancing before, I am sure you understand.
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Summary and conclusion: I now understand dancing even less than I did before, and I think I may be a lesbian.
Except for the fact that I have slightly better hair.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is still furious that "High Fidelity" didn't get a Best Motion Picture nod from the Academy. Anyway, his (Jimmy's, not John Cusack's) column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.