January 27, 2004
On Feb. 14, Nevada Democrats will engage in that most American of activities: rampant, uninhibited caucusing.
You may ask what a "caucus" is. Well, that's a good question. I have no idea what a caucus is. All I know is they had one in Iowa a week or so ago, and John Kerry won it, causing Howard Dean to emit a screech that sounded like he was given a vasectomy without anesthesia.
But I digress. Anyway, some Nevada Democrats are apparently all twitterpated and stuff over the fact that Nevada's caucus is earlier this year, meaning there's supposedly a chance that a candidate may actually recognize the existence of the state -- although, as a Reno Gazette-Journal story from yesterday pointed out, "none have expressed an interest yet."
This statement cracked me up, because I currently, due to a Y2K glitch, live in Arizona. Here, we have a primary -- which is much more conventional and inclusive than a caucus, although it's nowhere near as fun to say -- which is taking place on Feb. 3. And, well, we have more candidates interested in Arizona than you could possibly imagine.
For example, I got a perplexing phone call the other day from an enthusiastic young man. I was acting in my capacity as an Official Newspaper Editor, and at first, I thought I was being punk'd or something, because this young man was asking if I wanted to talk to someone named "Gert." This was alarming to me, until I realized he was talking about Gert Clark, wife of Gen. Wesley Clark, who is running for president, as you may have heard.
This happened just days before Dennis Kucinich came to town and talked in front of several hundred people. I found this to be surprising, seeing as I didn't think there were several hundred people who had even heard of Dennis Kucinich. Here, in Tucson, he pledged, with a straight face, that he was going to "take" the convention. Someone should alert the authorities.
Anyway, as Gert, Dennis, and yes, even Joe Lieberman have been tromping through Arizona, much like the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote once tromped through Arizona, they've all been buying TV commercials in bulk. All the commercials are the same, in the sense that they all make their candidates seem like the second coming of Christ (except for Joe Lieberman; he comes off as the second coming of, well, Joe Lieberman), and the sense that they're all about as exciting as hog snot.
Oh, and they all end with the phrase: "I am (Name of Candidate), and I approved this message." I speak for all Americans when I say: Thank GOD these potential leaders of the free world are approving each and every commercial they're doing. Now, if only they could approve all those damn pharmaceutical commercials before they went out. I would be in favor of Wesley Clark, or possibly Gert if he weren't available, taking out that damn Zoloft mutant bouncing blob thing.
Anyway, this all begs the question: Why doesn't Nevada have a primary? It's a question I've asked before -- in this very space, as a matter of fact. Case in point: Right now, people are going to the polls in New Hampshire, and the entire nation is turgid with excitement over this. All the candidates are there, harassing every potential voter they can find -- even though New Hampshire is normally about as relevant as peach pits.
Meanwhile, Nevada, which is relevant -- at least in terms of Wayne Newton, nuclear waste and gambling -- has caucuses, and presidential candidates couldn't give a flying squirrel.
This is a mistake. I propose that Nevada institute a primary on or around Super Tuesday; that way, Nevada would get at least some of the attention being lavished on Iowa, New Hampshire, Arizona and other states.
And if Nevada is lucky, who knows? Maybe Gert would come to visit, too. But not until Nevada, for once and for all, gives up all that wanton caucusing.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who thinks the furor over the "Dean scream" is the stupidest thing he's seen in quite some time. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.