So, I am flipping through channels the other day, minding my own business, when I stumbled across the television equivalent of a telemarketer calling during foreplay: the public television pledge drive.
I was lucky, because I wasn't tuning into KNPB Channel 5 with plans to watch a show. This is a good thing, because I would have been highly disappointed. Pledge drives assure that no show starts when it's supposed to, and that the shows will be interrupted repeatedly just when things are getting good. This has happened to me many times in the past as I watched some of my favorite shows on KNPB, like British comedies such as "Are You Being Served?" (which would be amazingly brash in America by today's standards, although it was on in the mid-1970s in Great Britain), a hilarious show set in the fictional Grace Bros. department store. If you haven't seen this show before, for your own good, make a point to see a couple episodes.
Anyway, no such show was on the other day as I did my channel-flipping. Instead, there was some goofy nature program on, called "Yaks of the Serengeti" or something. Just when a Yak was about to get lunchified by some predator, the station folks broke in to beg for money.
You know what happened next. They switched to the pledge-drive set, where volunteers from some random volunteer organization were busy on the phones, either taking pledges, ordering pizza or dialing 1-900 numbers when nobody was looking. In any case, occasionally they'd ring a bell and everyone would clap. This either meant someone pledged over a certain amount, or maybe they were trying to wake up the phone operators who had nodded off. Something like that.
There were also several hosts of the proceedings. I have seen public TV pledge drives in several different cities, and they all have the same types of hosts. There will be the High-Ranking Station Executive, the Perky Random Woman, the Token Local Personality, and the Random Dude Who Smiles Constantly.
And they're routine is basically the same too:
HRSE: "We KNOW you're enjoying our presentation of 'Yaks of the Serengeti,' but in order to keep bringing high-quality programming such as 'Yaks of the Serengeti' to our community, we need your support. And if you pledge right NOW, we have some orgasm-inducing gifts for you, which Perky Random Woman will tell you about."
PRW: "That's right! If you join right now at the $65 level, we will give you this amazing CD, "Songs of 'Yaks of the Serengeti'" as a free gift. And if you join at the $125 level, we'll also give you an exclusive Betamax copy of 'Bloopers From "Yaks of the Serengeti."' And, of course, all our 'members' get a free coffee mug and our monthly programming guide, even those schmucks who only join at the $25 level. We'll now go to the Random Dude Who Smiles Constantly.
RDWSC: "Thanks! Let me just say that we depend on the support of YOU, the member of this public television station, to be able to buy trouser-blowing programs like 'Yaks of the Serengeti.' Without your financial support, stations like this would surely go under, and all that would be on TV would be 'Temptation Island' and re-runs of 'Matlock.' Pledge now, or little Timmy loses a finger. Now onto Token Local Personality ..."
And this goes on and on seemingly forever before they finally let you finish watching "Yaks of the Serengeti." Except you can't REMEMBER the first part of the show, because so much time has passed.
I am telling you, these pledge drives are relentless. There are only two groups on this earth more relentless in their quests: girl scouts (trying to sell cookies) and George W. Bush's speech writers (trying to sell the notion that Dubya is coherent).
In any case, I haven't decided yet whether or not to "pledge" and become a "member." Aw, what the hell. I need a new coffee cup.
Now, back to the foreplay ...
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is alarmed that a disproportionate number of his recent columns have been TV-themed. Jimmy's columns appear here Tuesdays, and a column archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.