October 8, 2001: Tony Armstrong, vacationing in Southern California, coincidentally runs into Joe Syufy (the man whose company pulled out of developing the Victorian Square area around the Century Theatre, which he also owns). The normally mild-mannered Armstrong reportedly proceeds to beat the crap out of Syufy for pulling out of the development deal -- and for not knowing how to spell "theater."
January 15, 2003: The Rail City Casino announces it has signed former Latin singing sensation Ricky Martin -- his career on the downslide -- to sing its "Where ya gonna go? Rail City!" jingle. Ricky Martin soon becomes the most hated man in Sparks.
December 1, 2006: Litke's Midget Market is sued by a group of dwarfs claiming that the name "midget" violates their civil rights. A judge soon after issues a court order demanding the Victorian Avenue convenience store change its name to Litke's Little People Market.
April 7, 2007: John Ascuaga is elected major of Sparks by landslide after he promises to make Sparks a "perfec" place to live.
September 14, 2007: John Ascuaga is successfully recalled as Sparks mayor during a special election. The recall effort takes place after he upsets citizens by mentioning at a press conference that, "In my opinion, Sparks is actually a suburb of Reno." When reached for comment following this removal from office, Ascuaga mutters something vague about "just doing what his damn marketing people were telling me to, because they want everyone to believe that the Nugget is in Reno."
February 9, 2010: The estate of Sen. Jesse Helms sues the city of Sparks for not putting the "Helms" moniker in the name of the Sparks Marina Park. The suit is thrown out when the judge accurately points out that Jesse Helms was not really related to the family of the same name that once operated the Helms Pit.
December 14, 2017: Harrah's Entertainment Corp. announces plans to build a resort-casino in downtown Sparks. The company's board of directors promptly offers a seat to the Sparks Tribune's publisher, Willie Albright. However, he refuses the seat after the board refuses to put "tofurkey" on the new casino's restaurant menus.
August 31, 2025: The first flying car, invented by a woman from Sparks, goes on sale nationwide. The car is a huge success, putting Sparks on the technological map. The Reno-Sparks Convention & Visitors Authority responds by sending out a brochure extolling the virtues of Truckee, Calif.
February 27, 2033: A Nevada Department of Transportation employee, while reviewing old files, discovers the Interstate 80-Pyramid Way interchange was actually designed not by an engineer, but "a mentally challenged dumb-ass intern who had imbibed too much wine." The interchange is quickly re-designed, allowing left turns onto Victorian Avenue.
May 5, 2038: Sparks' population crosses the 100,000 mark. The RSCVA celebrates by denying the existence of Sparks, and tries to claim that the "S" in RSCVA actually stands for "strudel."
June 15, 2042: The mall in Spanish Springs, first proposed 45 years before, finally opens, anchored by a Pizza Hut.
March 16, 2049: Last Chance Joe, the miner outside of the Nugget on Victorian Avenue, mysteriously disappears. Mayor Bruce Breslow, in is sixth tour of duty as mayor, blames the disappearance on "Martians." Breslow is declared senile and put in a home by the City Council.
March 18, 2049: After it is revealed that Last Chance Joe was indeed swiped from Sparks by a group of pranksters from the Earth colony on Mars, Breslow is released from the home and apologized to by an embarrassed City Council.
March 23, 2049: Breslow is again declared senile and put in a home, this time for good, after City Council members hear him telling a story about once being the sports anchor for Channel 2. Tragically, they think he is making the story up.
January 3, 2064: Somewhere, someone tells the joke about "Reno being so close to hell that you can see Sparks" for the 1 millionth time. Just like the previous 999,999 tellings, the joke isn't funny.
April 1, 2071: Dotty's Casino holds a celebration after the 1,000th customer in its history walks through the door.
April 19, 2088: A severe drought hits its worst point in the Truckee Meadows. A city planner proposes using the water in the Marina for drinking; after articles from 100 years before regarding the former nearby tank farm surface, Sparks residents decide they would rather go thirsty.
December 31, 2099: Sparks city officials start planning a huge end-of-the-century party to be held one year later, on December 31, 2100. However, tragedy strikes after the RSCVA agrees to chip in and help promote the Sparks party -- causing the Sparks mayor and three City Council members to drop dead from shock-induced heart attacks.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who wonders what in the world this publication will be called next year when we are no longer "looking to the 21st century." Jimmy's columns appear here in the Tribune on Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org