Click.
"Hi! This is Regis Philbin, and thanks for tuning in to 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' Were here with our returning contestant, Chuck Snorkenherp from Mobile, Alabama. Greetings, Chuck."
"Hi, Reeg."
"Reeg. How endearing. Like nobody's ever called me that before. Anyway, what did you do last night?"
"Last night? Um, I'm confused. We got here today. This is the second show being taped today, Reeg."
"You MORON! You're not supposed to SAY THAT! And if you call me 'Reeg' one more, time, I'll--"
Click.
"This SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY at the LIIIIVESTOCK Events Center: Monster trucks! Big, smelly, polluting trucks! The fumes are sure to nauseate your children! That's this SUNDAY SUNDAY SUN--"
Click.
"Scully! Come here and look at this!"
"What, Mulder?"
"Look! It's the evidence we've been looking for -- proof of extraterrestrial life, here on earth!"
"Mulder, you moron. That's just a TV Guide with the cast of "Third Rock from the Sun" on the cover."
"Scully, why must you always question--"
Click.
"Mom ... have you ever had that ... not so fresh feeling?"
AAAAAIIIGGGH! Click click click click.
"Welcome back from that commercial. OK, Chuck Snorkenherp has won $200 and is going for $300. Are you ready to play."
"Sure, Reeg."
"OK. Then let's play 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' (Dum dum dum dum dee dee dum.) For $300, Chuck, which person is not on Mount Rushmore?
A. George Washington. B. Abraham Lincoln C. Teddy Roosevelt. D. Don Knotts."
"Gee, Reeg, that's a tough one. I'm gonna have to phone a friend."
"Oh, good lord..."
Click.
"Yes, with the Reno Gazette-Journal classifieds, you can sell almost anything. Call today, to place an ad with the section of the Gazette-Journal which has the most journalistic integrity: the classifieds!"
Click.
"Hi! I am a moronic car dealer, and I am parading around in a hard hat at a health spa while talking in a really PERKY voice because I have no shame! Yes, come on down to our dealership so we can screw you -- I mean, sell you--
Click.
"Well, Reeg, I'm gonna have to trust my mom on this one, Reeg. I'm going to say "C," Teddy Roosevelt."
"Good grief. OK, Chuck, is that your final answer?"
"Yes, Reeg, that is my final answer."
"I can't take it any more! You are a MORON! And QUIT CALLING ME REEG!"
Click.
"Tonight at 11 p.m. on the Channel 4: The Reno City Council goes a whole day without doing something stupid for the first time in months. Join us for an in-depth look at what this means, tonight--"
Click.
"Scully, I am telling you, this means something!"
"Mulder, I am a scientist, and I can tell you that is NOT an alien on the cover of Rolling Stone. It's just Mick Jagger!"
"Scully, this person is clearly too gnarled to be human--oh, wait. I think you're right, Scully. It think it is Mick Jagger! Well, then, how the hell does he keep getting involved with all these attractive women? That's an X-File."
Click.
"THIS is the face of erectile dysfunction."
AIIIIGGGGGHHHH! Click click click click!
"Hi, I'm Bob Dole. I'd like to talk to you about Viagra."
AIIIIGGGGGHHHH! NOOOOO! Click click click click click click!
"In other news today, the Miami relatives of Elian Gonzalez paraded him around in front of television cameras today in an effort to annoy the hell out of the entire country--"
Click.
"Well, Reeg, even though you threatened my life, and the audience unanimously voted for "D," I am pretty sure I've seen Don Knotts on Mount Rushmore. So, I'm gonna stick with C."
"Chuck, you sure are dumb. Where did you graduate from college?"
"Notre Dame in South Bend, Indiana. And proud of it!"
"NOOOOOOO--"
Click. It's clearly time for bed.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who looks even more like Janet Reno now that he got his hair cut. His column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive of Jimmy's past columns can be found at www.geocities.com/jiboegle/columns.html.