WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The proposed Yucca Mountain nuclear waste dump is officially dead after James Cromwell, best known for his work in the movie "Babe," spoke out against the project.
All of the United States senators who had been staunch nuke dump supporters before Cromwell's May 23 appearance at a press conference (along with Nevada Sens. Harry Reid and John Ensign) decided to end the project despite the billions in federal dollars already spent on it.
"I can't go against what Babe's farmer tells me," said Sen. Jesse Helms, R-Redneck. "I mean, when he looked down at that porker and said, 'That'll do, pig,' I soaked up a whole pack of hankies."
Sen. Strom Thurmond, R-Old, also seemed moved by Cromwell's speech.
"I like pork chops," said Thurmond as an aide discreetly checked to see if the senator's diaper needed to be changed.
Cromwell -- one of the stars of the upcoming Tom Clancy flick "Sum of All Fears" -- said the dangers of transporting nuclear waste across the country weren't worth the benefits. Therefore, he said, the waste should stay where it was produced.
"Since these facilities will have to be protected anyway, keep the waste where it is," he said. "The taxpayer will be burdened and at risk if an accident happens."
The success of Cromwell's plea follows several less successful attempts by Hollywood stars to stop the project. For example, Vermont Sens. Patrick Leahy and James Jeffords were not swayed by an anti-Yucca commercial that ran in their state last month that was narrated by actor Ed Begley Jr. However, they both changed their tune -- and their vote -- after listening to Cromwell.
"That Begley is such as wuss, man," said Jeffords. "He was a wuss on 'St. Elsewhere' and he was a wuss on 'Six Feet Under.' Why in the world would I listen to a dweeby wuss like Begley? But James Cromwell, man ... like, he was in 'L.A. Confidential.' That kicks major butt."
Reid and Ensign celebrated their victory by taking Cromwell out for a taxpayer-funded dinner at Tony Roma's.
"I like pork chops, too," Reid said.
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Unless you have a turnip growing where your brain would normally be, you realize the preceding news story is completely bogus.
Yes, there are some true facts included in it. At the behest of Reid and Ensign, Cromwell did speak out against Yucca at a May 23 news conference. That Cromwell quote is real, pilfered from the Las Vegas Sun. And a commercial narrated by Begley aired in Vermont to convince Jeffords and Leahy to change their minds on Yucca (didn't work). And while I have been unable to confirm it, it's entirely possible that Strom Thurmond and Harry Reid like pork chops.
But the rest, except for maybe the diaper part, is made up. Because it is LUDICROUS THAT ANYBODY WOULD CHANGE THEIR MIND ON SOMETHING BECAUSE AN ACTOR TOLD THEM TO.
If there are any senators out there -- let alone voters -- who would change their mind about something as important as a nuclear waste dump for 10,000 years because Ed Begley or James Cromwell had an opinion SHOULD BE LOBOTOMIZED.
And, seeing as the Yucca project keeps speeding forward like a rocket-propelled humming bird -- despite the fact that the General Accounting Office and many scientists have recoiled in horror at the proposed project -- I doubt anything will be able to stop the project from Senate passage at this point. Not unless George W. Bush gets bumped on his head (maybe after gagging on a pretzel) and loses the ability to lie, ala Jim Carrey in "Liar Liar." Sound science my patootie.
It looks like Yucca Mountain is going to pass the Senate, and then the courts will get a hold of it for years and years and years. Even if Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Steven Spielberg and Frank Sinatra FROM HIS GRAVE speak out against it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have this strange craving for pork chops ...
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who is excited that the damn Walgreen's above the freeway is about to open. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and an archive may be viewed at www.jimmyboegle.com.