April 29, 2003
The Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Department has been asked to make an announcement on behalf of all newspapers, journalists and media outlets:
WE ARE NOT ALL CORRUPT WEASELS WITH THE MORALS AND ETHICS OF RABID WILDEBEASTS IN HEAT! WE'RE NOT! WE SWEAR! WE PROMISE!
Yes, it's an embarrassing time to be a journalist, what with the looting and the payments from the National Enquirer and Geraldo and all.
First, the looting thing. As if there wasn't enough adolescent snickering about journalists being "embedded" with U.S. troops, now, we honest, upright, non-drooling journalists have to take the heat because some of our colleagues decided to loot Iraq.
According to an April 24 USA Today story, at least six U.S. journalists have been caught with stuff they shouldn't have. One, the renowned Jules Crittenden, of the Boston Herald, was caught with items including a painting and a wall ornament.
In my opinion, he should have been fired for embarrassing the journalism world, including the distinguished, award-winning Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Department. (Hey! Stop laughing! You're supposed to laugh, but not at that!) But he wasn't. No, according to the USA Today article: "Patrick Purcell, publisher of the Herald, praised the job Crittenden did in Iraq and said his career should not be overshadowed by 'this incident.' He was not punished because he cooperated with officials, Purcell said. The U.S. attorney's office in Boston decided not to charge Crittenden."
What? WHAT? If we try to take a PEN home from the fortified Tribune compound, we're threatened with attack dogs. But Jules Crittenden LOOTS a COUNTRY and gets mad props from his editor?
Sheesh. Thank God for the Fox News Channel. Unlike the Boston Herald, they don't tolerate such blatant acts of lootery. (They also don't tolerate fair and balanced reporting, minorities or anyone who dares criticize them, but that is NOT the point.) Read this, from the aforementioned USA Today piece:
… (I)nspectors found 12 Iraqi paintings, 40 Iraqi monetary bonds and an identification badge from the U.S. Embassy in Kuwait in the bags of Benjamin Johnson, 27, a satellite truck engineer for six years with Fox News. He had declared he had no items other than $20 worth of cigarettes when he arrived at Dulles International Airport outside of Washington, D.C.
Johnson told agents that he took some paintings from Iraqi presidential palaces, including the residence of Saddam Hussein's son Uday, and had bartered with U.S. troops for two others. He was not arrested but is to appear before a federal magistrate Tuesday. He was fired from Fox News, which said in a statement, "This is an unfortunate incident, and his supervisor took the appropriate action for this transgression."
I think I speak for all Americans when I say: "Holy crap!!! How in the hell do you attempt to sneak 12 PAINTINGS in your luggage while claming that you only have $20 worth of cigarettes?"
Anyway, at least he didn't try to sell any information to the National Enquirer (which, in terms of journalistic integrity, is about even with the Fox News Channel, but that is NOT the point.)
This, from Salt Lake City's Deseret News:
The family of Elizabeth Smart and the National Enquirer have reached a settlement that retracts salacious comments published by the tabloid last summer. Part of the settlement includes a rare apology to the family and admission it printed false information about Smart family members.
As an important side note, the Deseret News also has learned two Salt Lake Tribune reporters were paid a combined $20,000 by the tabloid for information the Enquirer used to build the story it is now retracting.
Oops. It turns out the reporters, Michael Vigh and Kevin Cantera, admitted their wrongdoing to the Tribune management and then resigned. But I mean, really, how could they possibly have suspected the National Enquirer might take their information and use it in a story falsely claiming -- I am being serious -- that two of the Smart family members had been involved in a gay sex scandal?
Oh, wait. They were selling the info to the NATIONAL ENQUIRER!
Sigh. How depressing. I am so depressed, I don't even have time to go into all the bonerhead things Geraldo Rivera's done, so I will simply apologize profusely for his entire existence, especially his moustache, and move on.
With that, the Daily Sparks Tribune Humor Department is signing off. We need a drink.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who can honestly say he's never been involved in any "lootery." Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.