Cover up your head AND your top while motorbiking!


July 29, 2003

I recently woke up and found myself living in Arizona. This was somewhat surprising. I did not expect to wind up residing in Tucson; it just kind of happened.

While Arizona has its positives, one of which is the fact that this is where they filmed all the Wile E. Coyote/Road Runner shows, Arizona is also quite weird. One of its weirder features is the fact that there is no helmet law.

Now, I am pretty much a libertarian, get-the-government-the-heck-outta-my life kind of dude. This less-government crap is the justification the anti-helmet-law folks use. But, come ON! Helmet laws are about as no-brainer as things get, because -- speaking of no-brainer, or rather, speaking of having-one's-brain displayed-prominently-on-pavement -- when a moron wipes out on a bike and ends up a vegetable for a decade or two, that tends to come out of the pocket of John Q. Public in some way or another.

Plus, what kind of idiot would NOT want to wear a helmet? Yeah, they're heavy and they wreak havoc with your hair. But they're not THAT heavy, and if you're riding a motorcycle, the wind's gonna muss your hair anyway. Therefore, I have concluded that people who do not wear helmets have cottage cheese for brains.

But there are a lot of people around here who have curd inside their noggins; I see helmetless motorcyclists running around all the time.

And then there are even crazier people -- people who want to ride sans clothing. Thankfully, they're not in Arizona or Nevada. Check this out, from an Associated Press report posted on CNN.com:

MURFREESBORO, Tennessee (AP) -- The threat of scrapes and bruises, not to mention sunburn, didn't stop the fledgling North American Nude Bikers club from holding its first rally this weekend.

Events at the Rock Haven Lodge Family Nudist Park in southeast Rutherford County included a barbecue, live music, bike games and a poker run -- where bikers vie for the best hand byy drawing cards at stops along the way. They don't actually ride naked. Mostly.

"You've got to be real careful or you're liable to get something burnt or hurt," club Vice President Allen "Anchor" Turner said. Turner, 46, came up with the idea for the group last November.

Participants said the values of trust, respect and freedom are common to both nudists and bikers.

WHAT? The threat of SCRAPES AND BRUISES? You wipe out whilst naked, and you'll scrape half of an APPENDAGE OFF.

This is not only potentially dangerous; it is also potentially quite disgusting.

I know; I've seen naked people, or at least partially naked people, on motorcycles before.

Picture it: The year was 1997. San Francisco. A late June afternoon. Gay pride, baby.

I was there, covering the event for, appropriately enough, The Associated Press. I had never been to a gay pride event before, and I was STUNNED with what I saw -- 280-pound men in dresses. 300-pound men wearing nothing but leather thongs. And, of course, the dykes on bikes.

These grrls always lead off the parade. And many of these grrls are topless. As God as my witness, I saw more breasts that day than I had seen in the rest of my LIFE. Big ones, little ones, old ones, young ones, firm ones, floppy ones, hairy ones, smooth ones, deformed ones, droopy ones, etc. And in deference to the especially sensitive, I will NOT go into the variety of nipples I saw that day.

To be frank, the experience messed me up a bit, and as I result, I am not in favor of topless motorcycle riding. Not only should men and wymyn wear tops and helmets, I firmly believe EVERY SINGLE SQUARE INCH OF A HUMAN BEING SHOULD BE COVERED IN MULTIPLE LAYERS AT ALL TIMES WHILE ON A MOTORCYCLE.

You want to know why I was so messed up? Well, do you remember that "ugly naked" episode of "Seinfeld"? Well, apply those same lessons to hundreds of grizzled lesbians flapping around on motorcycles.

Heck, after seeing that, it's a wonder I didn't flee to Arizona even earlier.

Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan in exile in Arizona who adores lesbians when they're not topless atop Harley Davidsons. Jimmy's column appears here Tuesdays, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.

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