Each the last three years, Sparks Tribune columnist Jimmy Boegle has looked into his crystal ball (which is actually made of diamondelles) to predict what the future will bring to the Rail City and the Truckee Meadows. He has correctly predicted the election of Tony Armstrong as mayor, the success of the Helms Sparks Marina Pit, the slow decent into insanity of certain members of the Hansen family and the rise from obscurity of "Survivor" host Jeff Probst. OK, he didn't really predict any of that. Whatever. Anyway, here is his fourth annual predictions column. Feel free to wear a turban as you read this. Because turbans look really cool.
June 7, 2002: Peggy O'Neill kicks off her second Sparks mayoral campaign with a spirited yodeling performance at the Rail City Casino's Euro Fest celebration.
January 7, 2003: In honor of the Sparks City Council's ethnic diversity, city government adopts "Play That Funky Music, (Middle-aged) White Boy" as the council's official song.
April 4, 2007: Icelandic culture becomes all the rage in Sparks, similar to the "Latin explosion" that swept the country in the late 20th century. A misguided Sparks City Council, trying a little too hard to be trendy, unanimously votes to change the name of York Way to Björk Way.
September 19, 2009: Business at the Victorian Avenue International House of Pancakes plummets 80 percent when Sparks police officers abandon it as their restaurant of choice in favor of a Hooters that opens on the Pyramid Highway.
January 29, 2013: Producer Mark Burnett, running out of places to do produce his "Survivor" sagas, briefly considers a pitch by the city of Sparks to do "Survivor: The Sparks Marina Park." However, he ultimately decides against it when he realizes that it is a really, really stupid idea.
February 27, 2016: Sparks makes world news when aliens land to "take Bruce Breslow home."
December 18, 2018: Sparks Tribune columnist Phyllis Benbow, having reached her goal of living to be 100 years old, announces two shocking new goals: to live to be 200 years old, and to "nail Willard Scott" by her 120th birthday.
November 3, 2020: Sun Valley's first mayoral election, following the community's incorporation, is too close to call, resulting in a ballot recount. Rhetoric gets ugly when one candidate, accusing the other of dirty campaigning, threatens that he and all of his supporters "will take their homes and leave" if he does not win the recount.
May 19, 2024: A Spanish Springs investor baffles the Truckee Meadows when he buys the Western Village and announces plans to convert it into a "really, really big Starbucks."
March 7, 2026: Continuing its history of booking formerly big, aging musical acts, John Ascuaga's Nugget hosts Limp Bizkit for the first time in the Celebrity Showroom.
June 30, 2030: Phyllis Benbow, 112, announces in her column that she has indeed accomplished her goal regarding Willard Scott. She writes that she has her eyes set on "the sultry Al Roker" next.
August 14, 2033: For the 100,000th time, the pickup line "Hey baby, nice tomatoes!" is used at the Sparks Hometowne Farmers' Market. It fails to work for the 99,998th time.
August 2, 2041: Hot August Nights officials change the car entry rules to allow all vehicles made before 1990 to register for the car cruises. However, this results in a lawsuit after officials deny the application of a Sparks man who wants to enter his 1987 Yugo in the Victorian Avenue cruise. The hubbub ends up making national news, stunning car aficionados across the country who can't be believe that a Yugo is still running.
February 12, 2050: The Rail City Casino earns a dubious honor when a national advertising agency chooses "Ain't no jokie, just karaoke" as the most moronic advertising slogan of the first half of the 21st century.
December 14, 2061: After decades of inflation basically wipe out smaller denominations of money, the Tribune Publishing Company decides to change the name of "The Big Nickel" to "The Big Fiver," because nobody knows what a nickel is anymore.
October 19, 2088: Kip Donnelly starts hawking vehicles for Lithia Flying Volkswagen on Victorian Avenue, becoming the sixth generation of the Donnelly family to annoy the hell out of customers through television commercials.
September 29, 2098: Jimmy Boegle, now only a 123-year-old severed head being kept alive by mad scientists in the basement of the Mint Casino, celebrates the 100th anniversary of his first predictions column by writing his final humor column for the Sparks Tribune.
Jimmy Boegle is a fifth-generation Nevadan who really digs the chicken wings at Hooters restaurants. Jimmy's column appears every Tuesday in the Sparks Tribune, and he can be reached via e-mail at jiboegle@stanfordalumni.org.