June 28, 1999: The construction on the Pyramid Way interchange is finally completed, and the speed limit on Interstate 80 through the area is again placed at 65 mph. Citizens rejoice.
June 29, 1999: A large earthquake hits the area in the early morning hours. No deaths are reported, and damage to the area is minor, with one exception: the newly-completed Pyramid Way interchange is destroyed. Interstate 80 is quickly reopened, with a 50 mph speed limit.
January 7, 2000: Following recent Gannett newspaper chain trends, the Reno Gazette-Journal of this date is just one big, fat graphic (a pie chart) surrounded by advertising. The issue helps the profitable newspaper win yet another Gannett "Newspaper of the Year" Award.
March 17, 2002: In his Tribune column, Ira Hansen announces his family, known throughout the area for being highly conservative, is launching a boycott of the Century Sparks 14 Theatre. Family matriarch Janine Hansen is quoted, giving the reason for the boycott: "That dome looks too much like a boobie." However, the boycott plan backfires miserably, as male attendance at the theater increases 300 percent.
November 3, 2004: A crazed madman, driven over the edge by Rail City Casino commercials ("Where ya gonna go? RAY-il SITT-ee!!!"), barges into the casino offices and tries to strangle the person who came up with the ad campaign. The executive receives only minor injuries. Despite this fact, a parade -- attended by thousands -- is held on Victorian Square the next day for the alleged strangler.
March 1, 2006: A Weed, Calif. man sues the city after an incident in which he walked into the Victorian Square Fountain and got squirted by one of the water streams. "I gots water in my ear, and I couldn't get the dern stuff outa there!" he is quoted as saying. However, city officials are relieved to reach a quick out-of-court settlement with the man, when he agrees to drop the suit in exchange for 10 free dinners at the Silver Club Steak Buffet.
August 5, 2009: Sparks is thrust into national headlines when a number of sleep-deprived residents march into Victorian Square and start a riot during "Hot August Nights." The apparent motivation for the attack is the fact that the Spice Girls were giving a concert. "They just snapped," Police Chief John Dotson says of the residents. "I can't honestly say I blame them."
September 30, 2011: History is made in the Daily Sparks Tribune when columnists Ira Hansen and Andrew Barbano actually take the same stance on an issue.
December 9, 2012: The Ascuaga family asks the Reno City Council to annex the Nugget, so the megaresort will no longer be lying in out-of-town advertisements saying the Nugget is in Reno. Realizing such a move would be blatantly illegal, the Reno council turns down the Ascuaga family's request. However, the council -- given an idea by the request -- offers the city of Sparks the opportunity to annex the failed Regal Theater in downtown Reno. Sparks Mayor Linda Brown, amused by the proposal, reportedly laughs for three straight hours.
May 16, 2022: The city is in an uproar after reported sightings of a enormous, reptilian creature in the Sparks Marina. No such creature is ever found; however, the creature earns the endorsement of the Reno Gazette-Journal to become Nevada's next governor, the first non-incumbent endorsed by the newspaper in 40 years.
February 18, 2046: The International House of Pancakes on Victorian Avenue announces it is going out of business. Sparks police officers are seen weeping openly in public.
November 9, 2059: The Oakland-Los Angeles-Oakland-San Jose-Los Angeles-Sacramento-Truckee-Oakland Raiders NFL football team announces its intention to move to Sparks. Their idea is to build a floating stadium on the Sparks Marina. A Tribune editorial calls the move, quote, "spiffy."
October 14, 2079: A former cook at John Ascuaga's Nugget, upset over being fired, publicly reveals the secret ingredient for the Pan Roasts at John's Oyster Bar: Juicy Fruit gum.
July 27, 2081: A local activist Dave Fairsight goes public with an accusation that Sparks Mayor Bryan Breslin has been using the city teleporter for personal use, to beam himself numerous places -- including "massage" parlors. Breslin initially denies this charge angrily, but later admits he did teleport himself to the parlors, saying it was legal because the masseuses were "relieving the stress of the city."
June 4, 2081:Sparks police arrest Mayor Breslin after an angry exchange in his office with Fairsight, in which he is heard threatening to beam Fairsight "to the bottom of the Marina."
Jimmy Boegle, a fifth-generation Nevadan, would have made more predictions if he had not accidentally broken his crystal ball. His award-winning (really! we swear!) column returns to the Tribune on Tuesdays starting next week.